We’re into November now and what is traditionally thought of as the darker part of the year. It is the custom in Ireland to remember our dearly departed on All Souls Day, but sometimes that is a difficult process for many of us. For me personally, my mother died in November, so it’s always a contemplative month for me.

There can be a belief that grief is something we need to “get over” or “get through”, that it has a predetermined time span, but that’s not true. People grieve in different ways and sometimes people avoid their grief for it is too painful to look towards. I remember in my own case, I actually thought if I looked to my own utter heartache and acknowledged it, I would be consumed by it. I thought I would not survive that, but I was mistaken.

As the months went by, I gradually started to acknowledge my mother’s passing in manageable pieces, breath by breath. It was excruciating, but it was also a release, for as much as it hurt to let go, it hurt more to hold on and try desperately to hold things together when they had been so fundamentally fractured. I actually began this piece in early October while my Dad was quite unwell and it’s taken me a long time to finish it as my father passed away at the end of October. Now November has become a month for me to grieve both of my parents’ deaths, but also to celebrate their lives.

We never forget the death of a loved one nor would we want to. We never lose the pain in our heart when we think of them, but we get to a point in time where we can begin to live with their physical absence. For me personally, it’s important to remember who my parents were before they got sick, who they were when they were fully alive, why I loved them, what I really liked about them and then try to bring that into my life now.

Mindfulness exercise

As we grieve the loss of love, we can also try to spend some time cherishing that love we shared with those departed from us. The good times and the things our dearly departed have taught us. The parts of them we will carry with us and their traits that we will try to imitate and hold dear to us through the rest of our lifetime. For me with my parents, it was their belief that the things that matter most in life aren’t actually things. They’re being with your family and your friends, spending time not just money with those you love, seeing the good in each and every moment, being happy and contented. And each day I get up, I try to follow their lead and when I get stuck, I talk to them, for those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day.

Physical exercise

Do something kind and gentle for yourself. Do something that’s good for you, even if you don’t feel like it initially. Go out for a short walk, meet a friend for a coffee. Let yourself feel what you are feeling, I know it’s difficult and it’s painful, but take it one breath at a time. There is no rush.

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