‘I want my husband to get in shape, but he won’t’

Dear Miriam,

I know on the surface this problem may seem very menial, but hear me out; I want my husband to get in better shape, but he’s not interested in making an effort. I know a lot of women will say the same, but my reasons aren’t superficial.

And, when I discussed it with him, I didn’t go at him bald headed about it, I think I had a bit of tact.

He placated me by saying yes, he always does

Towards the end of Christmas I started mentioning that I was going to make an effort with the healthy eating and exercise in the new year (I’m middling with the weight myself) and would we do it together.

He placated me by saying yes, he always does. Although all of our meals are very healthy – they always were – and he does some of the cooking to be fair to him, I know he’s at the biscuits and the Guinness.

You’ll probably think I’m awful Miriam, but honestly my intentions are good. Everyone can have a treat – haven’t I plenty of them myself and I’m as partial to a binge as the next person – but I just know his heart isn’t in it. He has no interest in trying to be healthier.

He also has some existing health problems

I honestly don’t care if he’s twice the size he is now, I’d love him regardless, but it really is his health I’m worried about.

He’s a big man and being that size puts pressure on the body. He also has some existing health problems and it’s hard for me to write this, but I worry he’ll get sick, really sick.

I know we all have to meet our maker at some point, but I just can’t face the thought of him leaving me if we can do something to postpone it.

I in no way want to make him feel bad about himself

We have a family Miriam, beautiful children who are starting to grow up and head off. I want to give it every shot that we’ll be around to see our grandchildren, God willing that some come our way.

I in no way want to make him feel bad about himself, but I need to get this across to him. Should I be more forceful? I’m at loss as to what to do and I would really appreciate your input.

Munster Wife

Dear Munster Wife,

Thank you very much for writing to me. No problem is too small and I completely understand where you’re coming from on this one. It’s totally natural to worry about the ones we love.

It’s important to say that the way you have dealt with the situation so far – with tact and inclusivity – has been a good approach, well done. Had you not already gone about things that way, I would definitely have suggested that avenue.

You can lead the horse to the water, but can’t make them drink it

So I guess that begs the question, where do we go from here?

I think the first thing to point out is that, from what I have read and from my own experience, you yourself have to be the one who wants to get healthier, lose weight, whatever it may be. No one else can make you. As the old saying goes, “You can lead the horse to the water, but can’t make them drink it”.

Therefore, I think the wrong approach would be to be more forceful with regards to pushing healthy eating and exercise on him.

Although you can’t make him do it, you can try your best to explain your point of view, which may make him want to make an effort.

Some people find going to a class, group or private, good motivation

I think you should sit down and explain with the compassion you have demonstrated so far, that you want him to be healthy so you can grow old together. And as you have done so far, tell him you will help all the way.

Some people find going to a class, group or private, good motivation. Suggest it, but I wouldn’t force it too much.

I understand where you’re coming from and your worries are only natural

I would encourage him to look at his mindset. Many of the experts now suggest looking at the thought process around getting healthy and losing weight, as oppose to just specific diets etc. Addressing this may help and there’s a wealth of mindset information out there.

Finally, as I have said, I understand where you’re coming from and your worries are only natural, but try not to think the worst. You’ll torment yourself and you’re doing everything you can.

I hope this helps and I wish you both health and happiness.

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