‘There is a light at the end of the tunnel’

I would have never seen myself sitting down in the Amber Springs Hotel with a lady talking about mental health. There’s no way I would have done this years ago. I would have never thought I would have had to, but I wouldn’t have done it regardless. I have no problem doing it now.”

These are the words of Wexford sheep farmer and sheep shearer George Graham as he sits down with Irish Country Living to speak about his struggle with depression. His mental health is now something he speaks very openly about, but it wasn’t always so.

About 11 years ago, George – who is a champion shearer and record holder – began to experience depression. Initially, he didn’t know exactly what he was contending with. He knew he couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and his thoughts were extremely negative, but it took him some time to realise he was depressed.

A few years before he began to experience depression, George started doing sheep shearing demonstrations at the Ploughing.

“I get young kids up to do a bit of shearing. Then I added in bits of talks on farm safety and general health. I was doing that for three or four years before I ever had any problem myself. The year I was in really bad order, I actually did the talks on farm safety and general health and I covered up my own problem, I never mentioned it.”

Rock bottom

Reflecting on this period now, George can see that he tried to run away from his problems. As a shearer, travel was part and parcel of his life. He has worked in every county in Ireland and in 13 countries across the world.

Winter shearing in Norway had been a part of his calendar for a number of years at this point. It was there he hit rock bottom and thoughts of ending his own life came in earnest.

“My body was telling me not to go to Norway, but my head told me to go. I did the wrong thing, I should have never gone. This thing is going around in your head nonstop. It’s very hard to understand when you do see a light, why you couldn’t stop it or start thinking about something else. I couldn’t think of anything else. I couldn’t think of anything else only that I was going to end my own life.”

Work he would normally enjoy, George found excruciatingly difficult to get through.

“I was working for a couple one day. In that building, that day, I found a firearm, but I didn’t find anything to go into it. The farmer’s wife was doing the wool. She was a psychiatric nurse. I said to her, ‘I’ve got a new farmer down the road and I don’t know if they have a lot of English, will you translate for me?’ She said, ‘No problem, ring or call anytime you want’.

“That wasn’t what I was actually saying to her. I was secretly saying, ‘I’m in the depths of despair, can you help me?’. That was still my first step in starting to look for help. Even though I couldn’t get the words out, I wanted help.”

“I made up my mind in Norway, that if I got out of there in the one piece, I would look for help when I got home. You’ve gone a long way when you do that, because no one can make you do it. You’ve to make up your own mind.”

Reaching out

If George was to give one piece of advice to someone experiencing depression or other mental health issues, it would be to reach out to someone.

“A very good first step is to go to your GP, which might be very hard, but certainly talk to a friend. I still believe the easiest thing to do is talk to a friend. Ideally talk to your family, but I think that’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do.”

When George returned from Norway he went to his GP. He also spoke to councillors and clergy. Although he was still in a dark place, he had taken steps towards getting help, and that made all the difference.

“One of the best ways of describing depression is going through a long, dark, narrow, twisty, hilly tunnel. I think it’s extremely difficult to get through that on your own. There are times the hill will be so steep, you’ll need someone’s shoulder to put your hand on.

“If you can actually keep going and get nearer to the end of that tunnel, there is a light there and that light will get brighter and brighter. But it’s very difficult to get through that on your own, you certainly need help.”

George can remember when he first saw light at the end of the tunnel. It was in the doctor’s surgery on a Friday afternoon. In a very dark place, he was again having suicidal thoughts.

His doctor asked would he be able to get through the weekend. If he could, a team from Dublin that deal with suicidal people would meet him in the surgery on Monday morning. The doctor gave George a letter for two places he could go over the weekend if he couldn’t cope.

If I was ever to put my finger on something I got a glimmer of hope from, it was from there

“When the doctor was chatting to me after he had explained that, he said, ‘I’ve known you for a long time, if anything happened it would break my heart’ and he put his hand on my shoulder as he said that.

“Now if you just think about that, there’s meaning in that. If I was ever to put my finger on something I got a glimmer of hope from, it was from there.”

George didn’t use the letter, he went in on Monday morning.

Building on this glimmer, the first time George opened up to non-medical professionals was sitting down for morning tea with a couple he was shearing for. The topic of mental health came up and he told them his story. The first time he spoke publicly about his struggle with depression was 12 months on from the Ploughing when he covered it all up.

I did my usual talk on farm safety and general health. Straight away then I spoke about my own mental wellbeing

“The next year at the Ploughing I did the very same demo again. I did my same gig with the kids up shearing. I did my usual talk on farm safety and general health. Straight away then I spoke about my own mental wellbeing.”

From being completely unable to speak about his mental health, George has come full circle and now spends much of his time discussing his depression to help others. As well as still doing talks at the Ploughing, he speaks at different events and gives out his card to people who might want to contact him to reach out and talk.

On Monday 10 February, along with Dr Harry Barry and others, George will speak at a Farm Family Event, Health and Wellbeing for the Next Generation in the Hodson Bay Hotel, Co Westmeath. Mary Kennedy will be the MC and the talks will take place from 7-9pm. Tickets are €20 when pre-booked on www.jobchanger.ie/freshpastures/ or by calling 091-428 099 and are €25 on the door.

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, you can free phone the Samaritans on 116 123 or Aware on 1800 80 48 48.