Dear Miriam,

There’s something playing on my mind the last while and I was hoping to get your take on it. I’ve discussed it with some select family and friends, but I think they’re fairly sick of my dithering at this stage.

I met my boyfriend of three years through friends. We get on really well and agree that we see a future together. Getting engaged is on the cards. However, how our future is going to play out is what’s bothering me.

My boyfriend is more or less ready to take over the farm, and he wants to start making plans for me to move down

The issue is; we both live on farms three hours away from each other. Now he’s coming into a farm, I’m not. So more or less, I have to move down to his place. And, this isn’t a new revelation, I’ve known this and always said I am OK with it.

My boyfriend is more or less ready to take over the farm, and he wants to start making plans for me to move down and for us to really start farming in our own right. He’s quite excited about things, talking about whether we’d rent for a while or start building soon.

I’m afraid when I move I’ll be really lonely

However, I can’t drum up any excitement, because I’m petrified of moving three hours from home. I’m from a big family. Between that and different friend groups, I’m used to having loads of people around me.

I’m afraid when I move I’ll be really lonely. I’ll also have to look for a new job, which is doable in my area of employment, but not ideal.

I assured him I was serious, but I didn’t tell him about all the fears I have

Obviously I’ve been down his way loads and been out with his friends, who are lovely, but what about making my own friends? I think he’s starting to sense my reluctance, because he’s questioned how serious I am about us in the long term. I assured him I was serious, but I didn’t tell him about all the fears I have. I don’t know how he’d react if I told him. I know I have to move, either that or we’ll have to break up, which I definitely don’t want. It’s just I really don’t feel good about it.

What can I do Miriam?

Home Bird

Dear Home Bird,

Thank you very much for your letter. I’m sure your current situation is difficult, but there are ways to combat this.

Firstly, with total respect, you have spoken to a number of people about the issue, but not the person you need to talk with – your boyfriend. I know you are afraid of how he will react, but don’t be. How you are feeling is very normal and I am sure many others have had a similar experience.

I think you are clear that you see your future with him, so I’m going to work off that basis

As you have outlined, farming life – even with all the associated positives – probably dictates that if you and your boyfriend are to make a life together, you will have to move. If he is 100% set on a life on the farm, you both have a choice to make; you moving to live with him or looking at alternatives, which, if he isn’t willing to facilitate, may mean ending things.

I think you are clear that you see your future with him, so I’m going to work off that basis.

You will settle in to a new area quicker than you think

As I said, discuss this situation with your boyfriend, tell him you see a life with him. Also, don’t do anything you are not ready to do, move when it suits both of you.

Wherever you decide to live, make sure it is homely and that you are comfortable there. You will settle in to a new area quicker than you think. There are loads of ways to meet people, so know that you will make friends, it just might take a little effort.

You will miss your family, but you can still go see them regularly

Once you get a job there, it will be a ready-made network. Also, join groups and clubs independent of your boyfriend. It could be a reading group, running group, whatever you are into. You will have new support networks in no time.

Finally, focus on the positives. You will miss your family, but you can still go see them regularly. Farming in your own right, the two of you will have a chance to put your own stamp on things. I hope this helps and eases some of your doubts.

Wishing you all the best,

Miriam

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