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Dear Miriam,
My boyfriend and I have been going out for three years. I think we have a pretty good relationship; we get on really well and it’s easy, as we’re both quite relaxed. I live at home on the farm and he rents a house in town.
At the moment, this arrangement suits me fine. I’ve a full-time job and I help my father and brother out on the farm a lot, so it’s as easy for me to be at home. I can go in then and stay with him in town, which I thought was a great situation all around.
I didn’t think there was any great push to settle down, but she makes out that if I don’t get some sort of commitment soon, he could leave me high and dry
That is until one of my work colleagues told me I’d want to nip it in the bud, the two of us not living together, because if we don’t move in and get engaged soon, he could just be stringing me along.
She’s an older woman who I get on very well with. I’m in my late 20s and at my age, I didn’t think there was any great push to settle down, but she makes out that if I don’t get some sort of commitment soon, he could leave me high and dry.
This has made me start to question everything. We both said awhile back we weren’t ready to move in, me just as much as him.
There were no arguments or anything, just discussing our options
I told him things were too busy at home, but we did say at some stage we would look at moving in together somewhere. I suggested building on the farm and he said maybe we could buy a house somewhere nearby. There were no arguments or anything, just discussing our options.
Miriam, have I done the wrong thing not pushing us moving in together?
I was always under the impression we were a long-term thing, but the way my friend at work is talking, I could be in right trouble if I don’t get some commitment from him.
Miriam, have I done the wrong thing not pushing us moving in together? Do I need to have a conversion about how serious we are?
I would appreciate your thoughts,
Confused in Carlow
Dear Confused in Carlow,
Thank you very much for getting in touch. The most important thing I took from your letter is that you and your boyfriend have a good relationship. If you are happy with how things are going, that’s what matters.
I think she is making you see problems where there are none
While your work colleague’s heart may be in the right place, I feel her advice is somewhat misguided. And in my opinion, and not to pull any punches, I think she is making you see problems where there are none.
You seem to be very content with your boyfriend. If, at present, living apart is working for you both, then go with that. Don’t let anyone else layout a life timeline for you or what your life should look like. Just because you and your boyfriend are not living together does not mean he is stringing you along.
if you do want to have a conversation with your boyfriend about where you are going, you should
For example, I know long-term partners who have always lived apart and continue to do so. I’m not suggesting at all that this is what you should do, but I am making the point that everyone’s relationship is different and you need to forge a path that suits you both.
That said, if you do want to have a conversation with your boyfriend about where you are going, you should.
Do things when you are ready and cross bridges when you come to them
But do it because it is what you want to do, and not because some else coaxed you into it. I always encourage people to talk about things, so don’t be afraid to discuss your relationship with him.
Do things when you are ready and cross bridges when you come to them. You are a busy young woman and there is plenty of life ahead of you for living.
I wish you and your boyfriend all the best,
Miriam.
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