Dear Miriam,
I tried to set up my mutual friends. Both of whom were close friends of mine. I was so happy to bring love into both their lives. From all appearances, the both of them were a great match. Well, what a lapse of my judgement.
Everything was grand for the first few dates. Then things went a tad south. I was rather stuck between both of my best friends. It all began with his eating habits. My friend just could not deal with his plain diet. She found it incomprehensible that he only ate one vegetable and quite sadly this was a major issue. There were some other issues too and she decided to end things.
Miriam it has left things very awkward for both of them and myself
Having both of the individuals complain about each other to me was very draining. I had created an issue and my good intentions were in vain.
Miriam it has left things very awkward for both of them and myself. I feel dreadful. It has meant that I can no longer socialise with them together. It has meant that I am going behind their backs, lying to them when I socialise in a bid to save their feelings.
I don’t want to risk either friendship
I want things to go back to how they were before. I want the best for them, but I can’t lie anymore. I don’t want to risk either friendship. How should I handle this?
Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
Thanks for your email. While it might seem a pity that the match did not work out, to be honest, it does not sound like they were destined to be together romantically, if something as simple as a difference in diet came between them. But that is just life.
I understand that you might feel somewhat responsible for bringing them together, but at the end of the day, they are both adults and responsible for their own decisions. I’m not entirely sure if you introduced them, or if they knew each other already, but either way, there really is no need for you to “feel dreadful”. This matter is between the both of them and your relationship with either party should not have to change. It sounds like the relationship was still in its very early days, and while feelings might be a little tender right now, hopefully both of them will soon realise that they were just not particularly suited to each other.
I’d be straight with each of them and say that you value them both equally as friends
I appreciate how you might feel like you are now “stuck in the middle”, but if I was in your shoes, I’d be straight with each of them and say that you value them both equally as friends, and because of that, you believe that it is best that you stay neutral in this situation. This includes not listening to either of them complain about the other person or take sides. A simple, “I’d prefer to stay out of this for the sake of our friendship” should suffice.
I think you will find that this will all blow over and things will get back to normal
Regarding socialising, I’d also be upfront and let them know that you wish to continue to see both of them, be it separately or together. If they don’t wish to meet together, then that’s their call. But I don’t see why you should have to lie about meeting up with either person. Your friendship with each of them started long before their first date; and hopefully will last for longer. And in time, I think you will find that this will all blow over and things will get back to normal.
I hope that this is somewhat helpful; thank you for getting in touch.
Miriam
A reader writes: ‘She should follow her gut’
Dear Miriam,
My heart goes out to “Worried Farmer’s Wife” from 20 June issue. I see she doesn’t usually mind having the family relations’ children stay during school holidays. I feel that the parents of these children have some nerve texting to see when the kids can visit/stay. She has a big heart, having the kids stay so the granny hasn’t to do extra catering for them. I think she should follow her gut on this one, and say, “Not this year”.
Love your page.
Farmer’s Wife.
Read more
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Dear Miriam,
I tried to set up my mutual friends. Both of whom were close friends of mine. I was so happy to bring love into both their lives. From all appearances, the both of them were a great match. Well, what a lapse of my judgement.
Everything was grand for the first few dates. Then things went a tad south. I was rather stuck between both of my best friends. It all began with his eating habits. My friend just could not deal with his plain diet. She found it incomprehensible that he only ate one vegetable and quite sadly this was a major issue. There were some other issues too and she decided to end things.
Miriam it has left things very awkward for both of them and myself
Having both of the individuals complain about each other to me was very draining. I had created an issue and my good intentions were in vain.
Miriam it has left things very awkward for both of them and myself. I feel dreadful. It has meant that I can no longer socialise with them together. It has meant that I am going behind their backs, lying to them when I socialise in a bid to save their feelings.
I don’t want to risk either friendship
I want things to go back to how they were before. I want the best for them, but I can’t lie anymore. I don’t want to risk either friendship. How should I handle this?
Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
Thanks for your email. While it might seem a pity that the match did not work out, to be honest, it does not sound like they were destined to be together romantically, if something as simple as a difference in diet came between them. But that is just life.
I understand that you might feel somewhat responsible for bringing them together, but at the end of the day, they are both adults and responsible for their own decisions. I’m not entirely sure if you introduced them, or if they knew each other already, but either way, there really is no need for you to “feel dreadful”. This matter is between the both of them and your relationship with either party should not have to change. It sounds like the relationship was still in its very early days, and while feelings might be a little tender right now, hopefully both of them will soon realise that they were just not particularly suited to each other.
I’d be straight with each of them and say that you value them both equally as friends
I appreciate how you might feel like you are now “stuck in the middle”, but if I was in your shoes, I’d be straight with each of them and say that you value them both equally as friends, and because of that, you believe that it is best that you stay neutral in this situation. This includes not listening to either of them complain about the other person or take sides. A simple, “I’d prefer to stay out of this for the sake of our friendship” should suffice.
I think you will find that this will all blow over and things will get back to normal
Regarding socialising, I’d also be upfront and let them know that you wish to continue to see both of them, be it separately or together. If they don’t wish to meet together, then that’s their call. But I don’t see why you should have to lie about meeting up with either person. Your friendship with each of them started long before their first date; and hopefully will last for longer. And in time, I think you will find that this will all blow over and things will get back to normal.
I hope that this is somewhat helpful; thank you for getting in touch.
Miriam
A reader writes: ‘She should follow her gut’
Dear Miriam,
My heart goes out to “Worried Farmer’s Wife” from 20 June issue. I see she doesn’t usually mind having the family relations’ children stay during school holidays. I feel that the parents of these children have some nerve texting to see when the kids can visit/stay. She has a big heart, having the kids stay so the granny hasn’t to do extra catering for them. I think she should follow her gut on this one, and say, “Not this year”.
Love your page.
Farmer’s Wife.
Read more
I’m not comfortable with the cousins visiting this summer due to coronavirus
My hairdresser did not obey lockdown rules, should I go back to her?
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