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Dear Miriam,
I am writing for some advice about how to move on from a very difficult and upsetting time in my life.
They did this transfer in secret, without any discussion with my husband
A while back, my in-laws transferred their farm to one of their other sons, after making promises to my husband that the farm would go to him. They did this transfer in secret, without any discussion with my husband. After going down the legal route for advice etc, my husband has decided not to pursue the matter further. I understand it was their farm to do with as they wished, but why did they do so in secret?
How could you ever trust these people again?
Unfortunately, it hasn’t stopped there – my in-laws have been spreading horrible rumours and lies around the countryside about us. I have always been respectful and supportive, but this is incomprehensible. It saddens me greatly that all this has happened. How could you ever trust these people again? How do you move on with your lives when a large chunk of your family is missing? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Regular Reader.
Dear Regular Reader,
Thank you for getting in touch. Due to the nature of your query, I have spoken with psychotherapist Claire Forde, who is in private practice in Listowel and Killarney. She can be contacted on 087-939 9818. This is her advice:
I am sorry to hear that you have been going through such a difficult time. Your husband has been treated very unfairly, and this will hurt for a while. For what it is worth, I believe his decision to not pursue the matter was probably for the best.
It is important that you give yourselves time and permission to grieve and acknowledge this loss
I grew up on a farm and often heard people say: “If something is not given with a good heart, you are better off without it.”
You have experienced loss and betrayal. It is important that you give yourselves time and permission to grieve and acknowledge this loss. Many articles have been published about grief and the various stages people may experience, like denial or anger. Try to work through these feelings in a healthy manner – talk to each other, listen to each other, consider keeping a journal to release your emotions. Occasionally, people will need professional help to get them through all of this before they can finally accept what has come to pass. With the proper support, you will eventually embrace the new unplanned future that awaits you both.
You do not need the approval of neighbours or relations to live your life
With regard to the rumours, it is important to continue to believe in yourself. Know that neither you nor your husband have done anything wrong. Your true friends will ignore the rumours and always be there for you. You do not need the approval of neighbours or relations to live your life. As for the people spreading the rumours, remember that this is about them and “their own issues”.
I have no doubt that all of this is causing you much sadness. You have been let down by people you cared about and trusted. You ask how can you trust them again? I believe the reality is you cannot ever fully trust them again. But it does not mean that you cannot trust other people in time.
I suggest as part of your journey to healing, you invest in a gratitude diary and make a commitment to use it every day
Understandably, there is a huge emphasis on what you have lost. I suggest as part of your journey to healing, you invest in a gratitude diary and make a commitment to use it every day. No matter what life throws at us, we can always find something to be thankful for. This immediately creates positive energy and provides us with a healthy start to our day.
Self-care is important; be that time spent in nature, a coffee or a nice bubble bath. Disappointments are often blessings in disguise, only we do not see it at the time. What you are going through now will eventually pass and life will become good again. I wish you all the best as you go forward on this new journey.
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