Dear Miriam: ‘I fancy my best friend’

Dear Miriam,

I fancy my best friend. That’s more or less the crux of the issue, but I better give you some background and context.

We’ve been the best of friends since college, we’re pretty close. We’d talk most days in some way or another, and we do get along great.

But, I’ve had feelings for her for some time now. And I’m kind of stuck in that middle ground of not wanting to ruin our friendship by properly telling her how I feel, but also really liking her in a romantic way and wanting to maybe give it a go.

Even without addressing this issue, my feelings can make our friendship a bit difficult

Now, I’ve tried to tell her how I feel. I haven’t said it outright, I suppose I’ve skirted around it, but I’d be fairly sure she knows. She’s told me before that she wouldn’t get with a friend, that it’s too messy. So I took that as a sign.

Even without addressing this issue, my feelings can make our friendship a bit difficult. When she talks about dating other lads and stuff I would be very jealous. But on the other hand, I’d never let on and often would speak about girls I’m dating too.

I could lose her from my life altogether as well

If I don’t say something, I feel like we’ll drift from each other anyway, because my feelings will get in the way of me really being her friend. There’ll always be another element there for me. But if I do say something, I could lose her from my life altogether as well. And I do really value her as a friend. She’s very supportive of me.

I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. So Miriam, what do I do? It makes me sad that we might not be friends in the future.

Man in the Friend Zone

Dear Man in the Friend Zone,

Thank you very much for your email. Matters of the heart can be some of the most confusing, and I know this situation must be taking up a lot of your headspace.

They say the friend zone, a bit like the comfort zone – where a person is at ease and perceives they are in control of their situation – is a place where nothing grows. So I do think addressing your current situation is important, one way or another.

You also speak to her about girls you are dating, so maybe she doesn’t know how you feel

It is clear from your email that although you greatly value your friendship with this girl, it has become difficult for you in ways.

It might be helpful if we deal in facts here, because you, are trying to guess how she feels. You say that you have tried to tell your friend you like her, but really, if you look at your situation, you haven’t. You also speak to her about girls you are dating, so maybe she doesn’t know how you feel.

I know she said it was too complicated to get romantically involved with a friend, but I think you both owe it to each other to discuss this openly.

As you said, your feelings could possibly affect your friendship even if you don’t say something.

I think you should think about where you are now with the friendship; are you happy to stay in this current arrangement of you having feelings for this woman from a far?

In answering that question, you have the answer to whether or not you should discuss this with her.

I am only supposing here from your email, but it doesn’t sound like you are very happy at present. It is a big leap to take, but life is too short to hold back on these things.

If your feelings aren’t reciprocated, hopefully your friendship will be strong enough to find a new way of existing. It does sound like you are good friends. It is a chance to take, but will you be happy staying as is?

Wishing you all the best,

Miriam

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