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Many years have rolled on, Sonny’s old and alone...
... And the nights get so long, and the silence goes on.
– Sonny’s Dream by Christy Moore
Loneliness is something that invades every part of our lives, intrudes in everything we do, and every attempt we make – or are encouraged to make – only makes it worse.
As anyone who has ever experienced it knows, loneliness has little or nothing to do with having company or being on your own. It is a state of mind that is like living in an isolation cell. A crushing isolation that we can live with for years and even lifetimes.
Isolation may be part and parcel of the job in farming. However, as our community ages, a crisis is unfolding in front of us. Traditionally, people have had the local pub, marts and even families to break the monotony of isolation.
However, as many of us are finding out, these supports gradually erode away as we get older. Their absence can have a dramatic effect on how we feel and our ability to find a healthy balance in our thinking.
What causes loneliness?
According to research 25% of the rural population live on their own, many of them older males. This means that in rural Ireland, there are more single males living on their own then in urban settings. Tragically, this is linked with suicide. In fact, the occupation that has the most people completing suicide, outside of medicine, is farming, with loneliness the primary factor. Isolation acts like petrol on a flame to problems people would have in, say, urban areas.
When we are lonely, our emotional mind has wired itself to believe that we are in some way terminally unique and as such we are failures and social rejects. The more we see ourselves as rejects, the more we will see others as normal.
No matter what group we are in, nor what person we are with, living with loneliness is like constantly feeling disconnected from the world
Like a boat drifting away from the pier, this gap gets greater as our isolation gets greater. The greater the gap, the greater the loneliness. Trying to fit in can actually make our loneliness worse. No matter what group we are in, nor what person we are with, living with loneliness is like constantly feeling disconnected from the world.
Life for us is like constantly feeling on the outside, looking at the world through an imaginary barrier through which we can never break through.
Finding purpose
In all cases, loneliness is the result of our internal voice becoming the pathological critic and going rampant in our emotional head, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
If you think that living with certain people is difficult, try living with yourself when you are lonely, its infinitely worse. Isolation means that we have no distraction from our own “stinkin’ thinkin’”. The voice in our head doesn’t switch off, no matter how much we try to socialise.
Men will often express their emotions only in places where they feel safe. The banter that goes on at marts, pubs and football matches can be vital in allowing men bond, express their feelings and are vital in helping men feel they belong.
Socialising on its own won’t relieve our loneliness
Similarly, men’s brains are wired for action. When they feel vulnerable, the first instinct is to leave and go off to the “mancave” where they isolate until they feel that its safe to come out again.
Understanding this is vital if we are to help either ourselves or other men in overcoming loneliness.
Socialising on its own won’t relieve our loneliness. Neither does spending long periods on our own mean that we will feel lonely. The meaning of life is to find meaning within it. Finding purpose at each stage of our lives is an essential part of our journey. So try to bring your mind around to what you still have to contribute to the world rather than what you don’t
Women communicate face to face. Men communicate shoulder to shoulder.
Some of the greatest insights about something can be got from people living with it
No matter how we do it, we need to utilise the skills strength and knowledge of every member of the community. No matter what we think our role in life is we all have a lifetime of wisdom in living with all kinds of adversity.
We all have a message of how we have coped with it. Some of the greatest insights about something can be got from people living with it. We have the experience, we have a duty to the next generation to pass this on.
Helping myself if I’m lonely?
Firstly, try to accept that feeling lonely is normal. None of us are good company for ourselves in our head.
To overcome loneliness, we need to have a sense of belonging to something. No matter how you view it, you have a lifetimes experience that is very valuable. Think of ways to give this back to the next generation. Trust me, they need it.
By sharing our stories, you will hopefully identify and realise that you are no more of a failure than me
This can be anything from sharing your wisdom gained from your farming career with someone starting out, to supporting other farmers who are in the same predicament as you.
Only someone who has been where you are now can understand what its like to feel lonely. Maybe our expertise in how to live with loneliness is what we have to share. Having lived with it for large parts of my life, I know what loneliness feels like. So, if you can’t feel that you can reach out to anyone else, reach out to me at; advice@farmersjournal.ie.
By sharing our stories, you will hopefully identify and realise that you are no more of a failure than me. Understanding this, is the doorway out of our loneliness.
Supporting someone who’s lonely
People who are lonely need connection, not advice. We connect with people who understand us, not the “Mr Motivators”. The more motivating you try to be, the more you disconnect from the person. Encouraging someone to do something that they are not able to do like meeting others is counterproductive.
Before we can ever hope to be able to help anyone, they must feel that we understand them. Empathy is understanding where someone else is at. Unless we have experienced loneliness ourselves, then we have no advice to give.
Within the current restrictions, walk their journey with them
Only 10% of communication is talking. Sometimes silence, and – when allowed again – a few shared takeaway pints or even just a cup of tea are the best communicators. Although social distancing will not disappear in the medium term, having to maintain a two-metre distance doesn’t take away from the effectiveness at all.
Within the current restrictions, walk their journey with them. If you are a farmer, ask them to share their wisdom with you or share some farm task with them. Go in their door, meet them where they are at. Our connection with others comes from mutual acceptance of each other as we are, not as we think they should be.
What can communities do?
Encourage our lonely members to help out in communities by sharing their talents. Find out their unique skill and encourage them to share it with the community. Organise transport for those isolated to allow them to be involved in such activities.
Encourage and train farmers of all ages, how best to interact with IT – get the kids to do this. There is so much wisdom to be shared in both directions.
Communities need to come together and fight for services – particularly for IT and better local services. We all have a responsibility to really keep an eye out for those who seem more isolated, learning how to reach out to those in the community who are lonely. Without this, rural communities cannot survive.
Sonny’s dreams can’t be real, they’re just stories he’s read
They’re just stars in his eyes, they’re just dreams in his head
And he’s hungry inside for the wild world outside CL
Enda Murphy is a cognitive behavioural therapist. Please email your own queries for Enda to advice@farmersjournal.ie
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