Dear Miriam: my boyfriend doesn’t have time for me

Dear Miriam,

I often appreciate the advice you give in your column, so I said I’d throw my hat in the ring and get your take on something that’s playing on my mind the last while.

Myself and my boyfriend have been going out just over a year.

I suppose the long and short of it is, we get on like a house on fire.

He’s a farmer. I feel like he’s never off the farm and doesn’t have enough time to our relationship

I think it’s fair to say our feelings are very strong for each other.

However, certain elements of our relationship bother me. When I say that I mean, basically, how much time we spend together.

He’s a farmer. I feel like he’s never off the farm and doesn’t have enough time to our relationship.

On the other hand, I think he feels I’m not understanding enough of his work, which I feel is untrue. I grew up on a farm myself, now we’re only small, part-time farmers, but I do get it. During calving and all the rest I understand things are tight.

I know his operation is much bigger, but at the end of the day, if he can’t make time for me, what am I at? When we’re together everything is great, but then he’ll be busy, I’ll not see him for ages and we’ll end up arguing.

I see my friends in relationships and they’re off around the country every weekend with their other halves, while I’m stuck here

Also, I want us to go on a foreign holiday this year. I said “Anytime that suits you”, but no, he keeps avoiding the topic.

I see my friends in relationships and they’re off around the country every weekend with their other halves, while I’m stuck here. I don’t really know what to do Miriam, my feelings are very strong, but is this the life I want? I’ve thought about calling it off, but I know I’d be devastated.

What do you think I should do?

Leinster Girlfriend

Dear Leinster Girlfriend,

Thank you very much for getting in touch, and thank you very much also for your kind words about my column.

I am sure how you are feeling is taking up a lot of your head space. I would like to start by letting you know you are not alone. The issue of being time poor regularly crops up between farmers and their partners. I don’t say that to minimise how you are feeling, but just to let you know that many experience similar situations.

I know I speak about this often, but communication really is vital in all relationships, particularly romantic ones

Well done for acknowledging that both you and your boyfriend have different perspectives on this. It is a good place from which to begin. After reading your letter the one thing that stuck with me was that you are guessing his thoughts, “I think he feels…”

I know I speak about this often, but communication really is vital in all relationships, particularly romantic ones. I would suggest you both sit down and have an honest conversation about where things are going.

You should tell him your concerns and if he has anything he wants to talk about, he should say it too. Guessing how someone is feeling and not communicating how you are feeling, is a recipe for disaster.

Speaking frankly, if you have strong feelings for him try and work it out

Ideally the outcome would be that he understands how you are feeling and you change how you do things in your relationship accordingly. If he has any qualms, the same should apply.

I know this might sound a little bit formal, but it doesn’t have to be. Just keep it cool and say what you have to say calmly. Work it out between you.

That is the first step. Speaking frankly, if you have strong feelings for him try and work it out. But at the end of the day, if things don’t change, don’t stay in a relationship where you are unhappy.

I know it would be upsetting, but again, do not stay in something that is making you unhappy. But firstly, I hope you can work things out.

Wishing you all the best,

Miriam

Read more

Readers write: COVID-19 wedding conundrums

Dear Miriam: I think my husband has an issue with me losing weight