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Dear Miriam,
I hope that you can help me with an issue that I am having with my sister. My mother will turn 90 early next year. My sister wants to throw a big surprise party for her. I believe, however, that my mother would absolutely hate the idea of a big party. Our father died last year and I think that she would just be too lonesome without him there with her. I also think that she would not want the neighbours knowing that she is 90!
I have expressed my concerns to my sister, but she thinks that a party would give mam a much needed lift and she wants to go ahead with it, as she says that post-COVID we need to mark these life occasions now and if nothing at all happens, we will all regret it.
As we have family in the UK, she wants to go ahead with the plans as soon as possible, book the venue etc. How do I get her to stop and see sense?
Frustrated sister
Miriam responds
Dear frustrated sister,
Thank you very much for your email. Your sister thinks that your mother would want a big party; you obviously believe that the opposite is true. I would imagine, however, that the best way to find out what your mother actually does want is to ask her directly, rather than making an assumption either way.
I understand that this approach would spoil the “surprise” element that your sister is aiming for, but I think the points you raise are valid and worthy of consideration. Your mother might not want a party without your father there or for many other reasons, and if your hunch is correct, there are lots of other nice ways that you could still mark the occasion. For instance, yourself and your sister could take her somewhere nice for a weekend or you could have an intimate family meal in her favourite restaurant, go for afternoon tea or get some catering in to the house etc.
That said, maybe after losing your father, your mother might appreciate the opportunity to re-connect with family members and old friends and share precious memories of their life together, as well as marking her milestone birthday? Such opportunities have been few and far between in recent years due to the pandemic. If that is the case, the finer details of the party can always remain a surprise until the day itself, if your sister did want to retain that element of the celebration.
I completely understand that you both want to do what you each think is best for your mother. But I reckon that she is the best person to decide that for herself. Rather than arguing back and forth with each other, agree to put your own points of view aside and go with what your mother wants.
That will be the best birthday present that you can possibly give her. I hope this is helpful and wish you both luck.
Reader Writes
Dear Miriam,
I’m writing this in relation to your article on the comment on the only child (“Only child comments hurt”, published 24 September edition).
Well in my opinion it’s nobody’s business, only the couple. That’s their private life, and no one should have the nerve or ignorance of passing a comment or asking the question.
Who knows what’s their situation. If I was in that situation, I would put them back into their little corner and say none of your business. Look after your own family. An old saying: when your neighbour’s house is on fire, check your own.
Many farmers have sons and they have no interest in it (the farm).
Good luck to that couple, I wish them well. Stand up for yourselves.
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