Dear Miriam,

I have been going out with my boyfriend for the last five years. He is 37 and I am 35. He is farming full-time and lives at home with his mother. His father passed away a few years ago. I was renting with a friend in Dublin, but moved back to my family home when COVID hit as I was able to work remotely.

At that stage, moving into a new place with my boyfriend was not really an option as he felt he needed to support his mother during the lockdowns, and I would not have felt comfortable moving into his house, though he never suggested it either.

We get on very well, always have a laugh, and I believe that we have a future together. I would like us to get married and hopefully start a family. Most of our friends are married or engaged. I have a full calendar of weddings this year. Of course, the comments come, “Oh, you’ll be next”, “When will ye be giving us a day out” etc. But my boyfriend has yet to propose. He seems to be in no rush whatsoever.

A few weeks ago, he brought me to a really nice spa hotel for the weekend that he had booked for me as my Christmas present. To be honest, I thought that this would be the chance for him to pop the question. But no, nothing. I was so disappointed that it took the good out of the weekend completely. And of course, on the Monday, I had the texts coming in, “Well, any news?” It was mortifying and made a bad situation even worse.

I don’t want to be the one to bring up getting engaged, as I feel like this should really come from him. I don’t want to look desperate! But at the same time, it’s hard to keep waiting and waiting in hope and having those hopes dashed every time.

What would your advice be in my situation? Thanks for taking the time to read my email.

Long-term girlfriend

Miriam responds

Dear Long-term girlfriend,

Thanks for getting in touch. As much as we are led to believe in the magic of the perfect proposal – be it at a luxury spa hotel or at the top of the Eiffel Towel – I’d probably take a more, let’s say, practical approach.

Put it this way, if I was talking about my own future, I would not leave that to the whim of another person. I would much rather be involved in that discussion – and the decision – rather than wait in hope for the other person to show some initiative to take the next step.

Apart from the societal pressures, I think that after five years, it is reasonable to want to know where this relationship is going. Things seem to have stalled a bit and apart from the question of marriage, there does not seem to be a discussion about future living arrangements etc.

You obviously want marriage and children. I don’t know what your boyfriend wants, because it is not mentioned in your email. But do you know what he wants? Have you ever had that chat or just assumed that you were both on the same page? Perhaps that is the case, but even if so I really think that it’s time that you sat down and discussed what you both want from life and from the relationship.

Hopefully you will find that he does want the same things and in that case maybe it’s about putting a timeline in place or what steps you will take next to progress things. ?It’s a daunting prospect, but if he doesn’t, I think it’s better to know where you stand now rather than another few years down the line. You deserve every happiness, even if it means finding it elsewhere. I hope this helps and wish you the very best of luck.

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