Dear Miriam,

I am a mother of two young children. We live on my husband’s family farm; his parents are in the original house, while we are in a newer build down the lane.

While I never wanted for anything growing up, at the same time I would not say that I was spoiled. Santa came at Christmas, we got a present for our birthday or for special occasions like Communion, but that was more or less it. I might joke that I’m scarred by the fact that I never got the Mr Frosty or the Fashion Wheel that I repeatedly asked for, but I think it was important to learn at an early age that you can’t always get what you want. Or at least, that’s the adult perspective on it.

Where is this going? My issue is this. My mother-in-law spoils my two rotten. There is an almost constant stream of €5 notes, of new clothes that she has picked up in town or toys: most often plastic bits and pieces. I know that she means well, but Miriam, my house is fit to burst already! On top of that, I don’t want the children to think that every time they go to visit granny, that they will come home with pocket money or a present. Besides the fact that I think my mother-in-law should be spending the money on herself, I just don’t think it is the best example to be setting.

Again, I appreciate that this is all coming from a very good place and I don’t want to seem ungrateful. Also, I know that it is her money and she is entitled to spend it as she pleases. But I don’t wish for this to continue. It just seems unsustainable on so many levels.

What would you advise?

Siobhan, Munster

Miriam responds

Dear Siobhan,

Thanks for your email. I’m sure that your mother-in-law only means well, but I agree that there are much better ways to show love and affection without having to spend a lot of money. I understand the predicament though. You don’t want to insult or upset her or appear to be ungrateful, but at the same time your house is fit to burst. So, something has to change.

Could you (or your husband, seeing as it is his mother) talk to her and explain that while you so appreciate her generosity, you are trying to declutter the play room at home and that, at the moment, the children have more than enough toys to entertain themselves. So, if the gifting could be kept to Christmas or birthdays, she would be doing you a massive favour.

The same goes for pocket money. Reassure her that the children have everything they need at home and that you would much rather that she spent her money on herself. But if she is still intent on slipping those fivers, perhaps she might consider asking the children to help her with little jobs around the house, depending on what age/stage they are at. At least that way, they will process the concept of having to work for money and they will be helping their granny out too. But really, it would be much better for them to help her without any expectation of payment and you could explain that her co-operation on this would help you massively in teaching them a life lesson.

As cliched as it might sound, however, the best gift we can give to any child is our time. A day out at the beach, an afternoon spent baking or doing arts and crafts or reading together; the possibilities are endless and need not cost the earth. Encouraging these sorts of activities will create lasting memories that money just can’t buy.

I hope this is helpful and wish you and your family well.

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