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Dear Miriam,
I am reaching out to you in the hope you can help my wife and I through a difficult situation. We lost a baby in the 1980s at Christmastime. In the following years, we were blessed with four more children and they are all living away from home now and enjoying life. Usually at Christmastime, one or a few of them come to stay, or we may go to them. This year, it just happened that they were all doing their own thing and we stayed home alone.
We don’t mind that, they are entitled to live their own lives. Because we were not distracted with them coming to us this year, we both found ourselves going back to the Christmas our little girl was taken from us.
It is like a tidal wave has swept us both off our feet and my wife in particular seems to be quite overcome by grief. I don’t know how to help her. Is this normal and what can we do to get back on track again to try and enjoy the new year?
Thank you, “Tom”
Dear Tom,
Thank you for getting in touch. First of all, I would like to offer my condolences to you and your wife on the loss of your precious baby girl. The loss of a child has been described as the worst type of loss any person can experience. Losing a baby at Christmas truly exacerbates the grief and the pain. I believe what you both are experiencing is delayed grief.
Having four more children following the death of your first child meant you were both kept busy caring for them and providing for their needs. Without realising it, you may have put your grief on hold so that you could give your attention to rearing your other children.
Grief is the price we pay for love and it does not go anywhere. It waits. Certainly people have to put it on hold occasionally, usually because of work or caring for their other children. Then, it is about finding a quiet time and space to acknowledge it and cry if necessary. From what you have shared, I believe this quiet time has suddenly caused the buried emotions to rise to the surface in order for healing to take place.
What you need to do now is give yourselves permission to grieve. There is something of a comfort in the fact that you are both feeling similar pain as it puts you in a better position to empathise and understand each other. Keep talking about your baby. Is there anything you can do that would bring some comfort? What about planting a rose bush in her memory or some other kind of tree?
What you need to do now is give yourselves permission to grieve. There is something of a comfort in the fact that you are both feeling similar pain as it puts you in a better position to empathise and understand each other. Keep talking about your baby. Is there anything you can do that would bring some comfort? What about planting a rose bush in her memory or some other kind of tree?
Next Christmas, it may help to place a holly wreath on her grave or someone special for you. Perhaps light a candle in her memory. People often find comfort in writing a letter to their loved one.
I think it may help you both to speak with a grief therapist. The death of a child has a huge emotional impact and usually needs professional support in order for healing to take place, even years later.
In future, on her anniversary, be gentle with yourselves. While it was difficult not to have the distraction of your other children this past Christmas, I believe it was beneficial for you both to be afforded the time to revisit your loss and let the healing process truly happen.
Gratitude is another wonderful coping mechanism. As you try and deal with your pain and loss, it is equally important to give thanks for the blessings in your life. It helps bring in some light. May your 2024 be one of love and healing.
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