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Dear Miriam,
I am desperately in need of some advice and guidance. I am a 28-year-old male and I help my parents run the family farm. I live at home. I have three sisters and they are all living in different parts of the country, all married with families of their own. Every so often I get questioning looks and hints from my parents as to when I intend to marry and settle down.
The thing is, I am gay. My sisters know and are very supportive of me, but I am finding it so difficult to admit this to my parents. They are loving and kind but have very strict rules around religion and sexuality.
I know it will break their hearts to tell them, yet I feel that I cannot hold on to this ‘secret’ for much longer. It is really getting me down and at times, I feel like running away and leaving a note, but that would not be fair. All of my sisters are saying the same thing – tell them, get it over with, and give them time to get used to the idea.
Part of their disappointment will be the fact that I am never going to marry a woman who will give them grandchildren. I am well aware of the joy grandchildren bring and knowing that I will not be producing an heir, male or female, anytime soon is going to really upset them, not to talk of the perceived shame of having a son who is gay.
I would also like to meet someone in the future and not have to keep our relationship secret. Any advice you can send my way is very much appreciated.
Ulster Reader
The thing is, I am gay. My sisters know and are very supportive of me, but I am finding it so difficult to admit this to my parents. They are loving and kind but have very strict rules around religion and sexuality
Dear Ulster Reader
Thank you for writing to me. I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. The reality is you need to tell your parents without further delay. Carrying this secret is detrimental for your health and well-being.
They may be shocked and saddened that the future they had envisaged for you is no longer a reality. It may take time for them to fully accept the situation.
Know that life will go on and you will be free from the burden of carrying this secret inside of you. At this moment, you really do not know how they will take the news. You are merely making assumptions. A parent’s love for their children is meant to be unconditional. It does not mean that they won’t give out, get angry from time to time or grieve – after all, they are human. We are emotional beings.
Usually, when the dust settles, it is easier then to continue the conversation. I also recommend you get your sisters on board; they may help your parents to accept the situation, even if they do not fully understand it or even like it. You have a right to live a life where you are true to yourself. You have a right to meet someone you can be truly happy with and share your life with. You have a right to freedom of choice and freedom to be you.
Never give up. If the going gets really tough for a while, I suggest you seek professional help. There are also many supports available to you.
It is obvious you have a great love and respect for your parents, but that does not mean that you have to live your life to suit them. It serves no purpose to continue living a lie.
As Shakespeare said: “To thine own self be true”.
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