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Dear Enda
My daughter (16) has been a real handful since she reached adolescence, but since the lockdown it has gotten worse. Trying to communicate with her and get her to do as she is told is getting harder and harder. She screams at us when we try to talk to her, staying in her room all day when she gets frustrated. Is there anything we can do to improve the situation?
Dear Reader
A useful trick to help us view the problem through your daughter’s eyes is to ask ourselves ‘What is she trying to say that is not being listened to, that she is having to go to such extremes in order to be heard?’
At 16, your daughter is trying to understand and cope with the world she finds herself in. And is trying to do this using a head that has very little understanding of either. Our job, as parents is to help her, and to do that we need to change the way we communicate with her, not the other way around.
I’ve frequently found out the hard way myself, the only result we get are tantrums, arguments and a headache for everybody
Traditionally, when we want children to do something, we start by clearly explaining what we want them to do. We may give very good reasons why they should do it. Using a menu of persuasion, arguments and sanctions, like taking their phone away, we nag them and when we meet the inevitable resistance, we repeat the process all over again... and again.
Unfortunately, as I’ve frequently found out the hard way myself, the only result we get are tantrums, arguments and a headache for everybody. Where instead of helping them navigate their way through to adulthood, our kids spend all their energy defending themselves from us. Getting angrier and more oppositional in the process.
However, what is not obvious because of the screaming, are your daughters underlying feelings of feeling trapped and helpless, ashamed when she sees your anger at her and above all, fear that this is all hopeless and she will never be able to change it. The more we try to push her, the more she will resist and avoid doing what we want her to do.
No matter how ridiculous it may sound to you, it is very real to her
So, the first thing we need to do is to start listening and stop talking. And you will probably have to park what it is you want her to do for a while.
When you next have a chance and she talks, let her talk. No matter how ridiculous it may sound to you, it is very real to her. Don’t interrupt, the aim is to understand the dilemma’s that she is experiencing and problems she is facing. Listen with interest. Try to understand and avoid challenging at all costs.
You may have to start by listening to how bad a parent you are, but if she feels that you understand her, the more she will want to talk to you. As she talks, encourage her to explain more and more about the world she sees herself as being in.
The more she feels that you understand, the more respected and accepted she will feel
Ask her what she would like to see happening. How important it is for her. Help her identify what changes she thinks she needs to make, as opposed to what you think she needs to change.
Walk with her as she attempts different strategies to various problems. If she argues with you, don’t get into the ring. If she asks for something that is impossible, ask her how she thinks you should go about achieving it, and what would be the natural consequences.
The more she feels that you understand, the more respected and accepted she will feel. This will empower her, giving her confidence and motivation to solve more complex issues in her life.
As your relationship with each other improves, she will see how your experiences can help prevent her from falling into the holes that you fell into. It takes time to achieve all of this. And the first step involves learning how to listen.
Enda Murphy is a cognitive behavioural therapist who focuses on supporting adults to support young people. For more details go to www.seeme.ie. Please email your own queries for Enda to advice@farmersjournal.ie
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