Dear Miriam,
I realise that this issue is not as sombre as most. Nonetheless, I would appreciate your advice.
My friend is continually looking for a relationship. She talks to guys online and meets up with them. Sadly, it never develops past this phase. Quite often they ghost her. I try to bolster her confidence saying they aren’t right for you or you deserve better. However, I feel her tenacious attitude is ebbing away.
I believe her issue lies in her intensity, directness and lack of realism
Not to cast aspersions on my friend, but she tends to run from one dating faux pas to another. I believe her issue lies in her intensity, directness and lack of realism. For example, bringing up marriage, children and housing in the early dating phase.
Furthermore, she tends to be quite direct in her questioning regarding family and money. I know this as she tells me what she discusses on the dates or via text.
I feel great trepidation in expressing my opinion
Additionally, she has quite high standards looks wise. I’m talking Clint Eastwood standard. I’m worried she is looking for something that doesn’t exist.
She often asks for my advice and input, however I feel great trepidation in expressing my opinion as I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings. Miriam, how can I help my friend without hurting her feelings?
Anxious Friend
Dear Anxious Friend,
Thank you very much for getting in touch. You are very thoughtful to be concerned about your friend. The fact that you are conscious of your friend’s feelings is good. You don’t want to hurt her unnecessarily.
However, I do think if she is asking for your opinion, in this instance you should give it honestly. If your friends don’t tell you these things, who will? A discussion like this needs a certain level of tact. A careful balance of delivering the truth, while still encouraging her, as you have always done.
For every auld boot, there’s an auld sock
Start by pointing out how much you admire her putting herself out there. And again, keeping telling her the right person is out there. My grandmother always said: “For every auld boot, there’s an auld sock.”
You can then discuss her direct approach. Dating is just testing the waters to see if two people would be suitable for a romantic relationship. It’s less about family, houses and money, and more so about chemistry, compatibly and enjoying yourself.
I would be of the opinion that looks shouldn’t come into it a whole pile
While it’s good to know what you want – and do tell her that – when dating someone you are just getting to know them. Your friend should focus on their personality, interests and opinions, as opposed to “structural” life questions.
On the looks side of things, I would be of the opinion that looks shouldn’t come into it a whole pile. Let me explain. Yes, you must be attracted to someone, but you are not just attracted to someone’s looks.
You can be attracted to lots of different things about a person; their smile, laugh or maybe just their company in general. If you love someone, you think they are beautiful regardless of how they look.
In pointing this out to your friend, you might suggest she try going for a different type of person.
Ghosting, for those who haven’t heard of it, is when someone you are dating simply cuts all communication with you as a way of ending things.
Ghosting is unacceptable. So a change of direction in this sense would help
Obviously these men who are ghosting her are not very nice. Regardless of what she (or anyone else) says on a date, everyone deserves a bit of respect and courtesy. Ghosting is unacceptable. So a change of direction in this sense would help.
With all that said and done, it might help to talk to your friend about why she wants to meet someone. While it’s totally normal and understandable to want to meet someone and settle down, that will only fulfil you so much.
Maybe she could also take a look at other areas of her life that will enrich her further and increase her happiness. In turn, happiness is a very attractive trait.
Wishing you and your friend all the best,
Miriam
‘The pandemic is stopping me from meeting someone romantically’