Dear Miriam,

I have finally succumbed to pressure from my 12-year-old daughter and bought her first phone. I ignored years of pleading that she was the only one without one as I believed she was too young; to be honest I still do.

But my husband prefers the easy life, so in the end, I had the two of them badgering me to let her have a smartphone and now I am starting to regret my decision.

She has lost all interest in many of the things she used to love to do, chief among them reading. She has been a little bookworm since she first learned how to read. There was many an evening when the TV remained off and the two of us read our books sitting together in the sitting room after her younger brother and sister went to bed. My husband works shifts so it was a lovely thing we got to do together, just the two of us.

Now, however she has her face in a screen from the minute she wakes up until we leave the house for school, and again when she comes home. I have banned the phone from the dinner table and she has to hand it over at 9pm every night but I still feel like I’ve lost her to social media.

I understand the need to fit in and I’m conscious that all her friends were online before she was allowed, but is there anything I can do to get my daughter to see that life does not revolve around a device?

A concerned mother

Dear concerned mother,

Children seem to be growing up much faster now, with the advent of social media and smartphones accelerating their speed towards adulthood, which can be hard for us parents to cope with.

First of all, well done for holding firm on not allowing your daughter a phone until she was 12. I’m assuming she is still in primary school and the pressure on parents to give in to smartphone demands seems to be coming earlier and earlier, with some children being given the technology as young as seven or eight.

You are doing the right thing with both a mealtime and bedtime ban and, maybe now is the time to sit down with your daughter and agree a set of guidelines around its use

I am a firm believer in kicking that can down the road as long as possible, as more and more research suggests the damage to youth mental health from smartphones and social media warrants a ban until they are 16-years-old.

But researchers don’t live in your home and the pressure is relentless from children who, as you say, just want to fit in and dread being left behind by their peers.

You are doing the right thing with both a mealtime and bedtime ban and, as she has only recently been given the phone, maybe now is the time to sit down with your daughter and agree a set of guidelines around its use. Screentime limits can be set, but I would suggest you try to agree this together as imposing limits can often backfire.

If you tell her that now she’s old enough to have a phone, she has to be mature enough to respect the responsibility that comes with it, she might be more likely to see things from your perspective. You could also tell her she needs to model good behaviour as an example to her younger siblings, in a bid to get her onside.

I wouldn’t worry too much about lost hobbies. Reading is a skill akin to riding a bike, once you have a love for it you won’t forget it. When the novelty of her new smartphone wears off you could well find her with her nose back in a book, albeit in her bedroom and not beside you on the couch.

I wish you well as you navigate the next phase of parenthood and hope that with agreed phone usage guidelines you can arrive at a happier place for all the family.