Dear Miriam,
I hope you might be able to advise me. I have three children, the eldest being a nine-year-old girl. She is a very sensitive soul and I would have always said that she was a bit of a worrier (no more than myself, to be honest).
For example, during COVID, she worried a lot about her granny, though I tried to support her as best I could to say we were doing all we could to keep granny safe and sound.
She has also had some nightmares and I can see that she is not herself
Just as we are getting back to some kind of normality, however, this awful war in Ukraine erupts. Even though it is far away and you might think that children are oblivious to these things, it has affected my daughter. She has asked me questions like: “What if Ireland gets invaded?” or “What if they start using nuclear weapons?” I didn’t even know that she knew the term “nuclear weapons”. She has also had some nightmares and I can see that she is not herself.
I’ve tried to tell her not to worry but it does not seem to be doing much good. I would appreciate any advice you might share.
Aideen, Cork
Dear Aideen,
Thank you for your email. I’ll state from the start that I am not a child psychologist but there has been much written about how children do experience anxiety about world events such as war, especially in recent weeks given the tragedy unfolding in Ukraine.
As adults it can be hard to process all that is happening, never mind for a nine-year-old.
Once you know what their actual concerns are, it’s to try to reassure them by giving them information that is at an age-appropriate level
I understand why the automatic response would be to tell her “not to worry”, but the thinking these days is that we should listen when our children need to talk about their worries so that they don’t bottle them up.
Once you know what their actual concerns are, it’s to try to reassure them by giving them information that is at an age-appropriate level and provides some context as to what is happening. For instance, if they are afraid that the invasion will spill into Ireland, you can show them where Ukraine is on the map to show the physical distance between the countries, as well as explaining a little bit of the context behind the war.
It might be a good idea to limit exposure to the news on the TV/radio, considering also whether she has access to information online or on a smartphone.
Also be aware of conversations that you might be having with your peers about the situation. Children pick up on our own anxieties and can process that internally too.
A piece of advice that I have seen mentioned a few times that I think is very helpful is to focus on doing something positive with your child about the situation.
For all the evil in the world right now, we are also seeing a huge outpouring of kindness and goodness, as people try their best to help. You could maybe talk to her about the great initiatives that are happening to help the people of Ukraine and think about doing something to help together; whether it’s donating some of her pocket money to a worthy cause or organising a little bake sale to raise funds.
If you do feel though that you might need more help in supporting your daughter with anxiety, talk to your GP to see if it is possible to get a referral to an appropriate service
I’m reminded of the quote that is attributed to the American television host, Fred Rogers, about his own anxieties as a child. “When I was a boy and I would see scary things on the news, my mother would say to me: ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping,’” he said. That still rings true today.
If you do feel though that you might need more help in supporting your daughter with anxiety, talk to your GP to see if it is possible to get a referral to an appropriate service in your area to help her to develop skills to cope.
I hope that this is of some help and wish you both the best of luck.
How can I overcome my needle phobia?
Dear Miriam: You need to stop beating yourself up and acknowledge your own worth