Mam is not happy in the nursing home. And I feel ferocious guilty. She had a fall. Geraldine was bringing her to mass and then Mam insisted on going to see the grave even though the ground was wet.

I got the phone call from Geraldine, you could laugh or cry. She never brings Mam anywhere but I had an appointment. “Sh*te sh*te sh*te shi*te sh*te, Ann,” says Geraldine. “I’m on the way to the hospital. Mam had a fall on the way out. I said did she want a hand and she said no, and then she tripped on the gravestone kerb before I could get round to her and she’s after doing something to her hand.”

‘Oh oh oh’, says Mam in the background. ‘Are you OK, Mam?’ ‘Tell her I’m fine.’ ‘You’re not fine, Mam, that wrist is up like a balloon.’ ‘What’s going on, Geraldine?’ ‘And my hip, Ann.’ ‘What happened her hip?’ ‘I don’t know.Mam, we’re going to the hospital now.’ “You should have waited for an ambulance.” “Well you weren’t here Ann,” says Mam in the background.

“Off gallivanting!” “Gallivanting?! I’ve a slipped disc.” “Don’t go lifting anything for a month, minimum,” the doctor said. Does anything include my mother, I wonder. So after all the drama, Mam’s up in Cedar Lodge. “I’ll die in here,” she said the first day she went in. “Mam you just have a broken wrist and your hip is a bit sore. We’ll have you out in no time.”

She glares at the woman who has come to bring her her lunch.

“Will I get mass here?” she asked. We have it on the telly every day,” said the nurse. This cheers her up. “You don’t even let me watch it every day,” she said. “I do SO let you watch it. That one time I wasn’t around to find the remote. Honestly mam. Such fussing.”

“She’s gone pagan. Where are you from?” She said to the woman as cheeky as can be. “The Phillipines,” the nurse said. Mam is relieved. “Good Catholic place that. Will you get me a good seat at mass? This one always wants to sit down the back where they’re all talking about farming. And none of the family go.”

“Mam I’m sure the nurse doesn’t want to hear all our troubles.”

But the nurse smiled like she might like to hear a bit more.

“Will you bring me up the brochures for the coffins, Ann?” said my mother as she sips her tea. “I don’t want to be unprepared and they might be sold out of the one I like.”

“Will you stop Mam? You’d be at home only for my slipped disc. I can’t lift you for a while, is all. You’ll be out in no time.”

I’m dreading going up there the day after. Mam is busy chatting with another woman. “ANN!” she said, “do you remember Maire Mac. She’s here! I thought she was dead. She’s been filling me in. The gossip is great in here Ann because everyone’s as deaf as a beetle so you can say anything you want and hear everyone else’s.”

“Ok will I take you out for fresh air Mam?”

“I’m watching the snakes Ann.”

“What do you mean Mam? I thought you liked the people in here. They won’t touch anything of yours.”

“No, Ann on Netflix.” And sure enough a nurse is getting World’s 10 Deadliest Snakes up on the big screen. By request.

“You don’t let me watch Netflix either,” she said.

“Because you won’t pay for your own account and if you’re using my account, I can’t watch.”

She ignored this “I have more freedom here, Ann,” she said after a while and they’re onto snake number four. She’s impossible. But at least she’s stopped talking about coffins.