It’s not easy being a mammy. It’s not easy being a father either, but in traditional families it’s often the mammies that the kids come to – even if their father is standing right in front of them. When you stay home with your kids, your days are a cycle of snacks, picking up toys, trying to stay on top of laundry, more snacks, trying to limit screen time (and failing), more snacks and then potential, brief salvation when your partner gets home. When you’re a working mother, all the household jobs still need to be done, but you’re suddenly not there to do them.
Hopefully, if your partner is home more often, they take on their portion of the housework. A lot of the time however – and there are plenty of studies to back this up – working mothers still do a much larger share of the household management than their partners. According to a US-based 2016 study out of Indiana University, for example, it’s our perception of gender roles and masculinity/femininity that cause the gap in household chore equality. In other words, a woman could be making more money and working more hours outside of the home than her husband and still, because of these perceptions, end up doing more of the housework and child-rearing.
I know I’m not alone – I have many friends who feel similarly
Not only for farming families, indeed all families, this can be an issue between partners. I know I’m not alone – I have many friends who feel similarly.
If working, it is not unreasonable to expect your farming partner, who undoubtedly works extremely hard to do a bit more around the house.
To put on a few dinners a week, maybe, or do a few more loads of laundry. Why is it that the bulk of this workload still, largely, fall on mothers?
I regularly arrive to work a few minutes late or leave work slightly early to facilitate my children’s schedules
I commute to my job. This takes a few hours out of my day. I can’t work from home or go by my own schedule. I regularly arrive to work a few minutes late or leave work slightly early to facilitate my children’s schedules.
When I get home, I’m exhausted. But we still have to eat. My children still need to be bathed. Their hair needs to be regularly checked for nits. We need to stick to their bedtime routine or accept the consequences.
Even when my husband is feeling particularly proactive, the most he manages (aside from the school drop offs, which he does most mornings) are a few sausages and chips for the kids’ dinner.
No end in sight
I feel as if I’m always chasing my tail. The laundry never ends, my floors are just about the dirtiest I’ve ever seen and the fridge is barren.
I know most farmers also feel this way about their work – they are constantly playing catch-up; mending broken things and rounding up broken-out cattle.
When I make a comment or complain it’s often met with these types of remarks; how I don’t understand the amount of work that needs to be done out there.
I don’t like being that person, especially when the weekends are the most time I get to spend with my children
And I have to accept that maybe I don’t. Maybe we both need to try and see things from each other’s perspective more.
What really bothers me is that I hate living in a disorganised mess. I was diagnosed with OCD in my early 20s and it’s been a struggle to get my anxiety under control over the years. Through cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), exercise and (sometimes) medication, I have been able to manage the worst of this disorder.
The problem is, when there is so much work to do around the house, my free time isn’t spent on the things that help my anxiety – it’s spent on things that make it worse, which increases my anger and irritability.
I don’t like being that person, especially when the weekends are the most time I get to spend with my children.
At the end of the day, I love my life and I love my husband
Is there ever going to be a workload balance between farmers and their working wives? Can we stop playing the “who works harder?” game and both be a bit more proactive on the home front?
At the end of the day, I love my life and I love my husband. We have been through so much and we’re an amazing team. In the years we’ve been together, we’ve gone from living in abject poverty to, through extremely hard work, making a comfortable life for our children.
I guess what I’m really saying is; maybe it’s time to forget the whole thing and invest in one of those robot hoovers to clean the house while we’re out.
I was patronised, subjected to unwanted comments about my body