Dear Miriam: ‘my siblings have our father convinced not to trust his carers’

Dear Miriam,

I am at my wits’ end with my siblings, none of whom live within reach of our elderly father, but who have him convinced someone is going to break into the farm.

Dad has been living on his own for the past five years, since my mam passed. He’s generally an outgoing, friendly, sociable man and always has been. He doesn’t get out of the house much any more, but has carers calling to him twice a day and I try to get in to see him as often as I can.

My siblings, however, have convinced him that he cannot trust the carers and that he should be wary and vigilant at all times when they are in the house and around the yard.

Recently, one of the carers asked her husband to help Dad remove some brambles from the back of the farmyard. He was initially considered ‘a lovely young man’.

But when he told my siblings about the man’s help, they convinced him that he couldn’t be trusted and not to let him on to the farm. Dad was then very rude to the carer. In the past, he has only ever treated him with courtesy and respect.

I am worried that if he turns away those whose job it is to care for him, he will lose the home help hours he has been granted, which will leave him extremely vulnerable. I live in a neighbouring county and try to visit frequently, but I work away from home at lot and the carers are the reassurance I need that he’s being cared for in my absence.

He is threatening to buy a shotgun to protect himself, even though he hasn’t had one in many years and is no longer licensed to carry one, never mind being physically able to use one. My siblings appreciate this is not a good idea, but they still won’t tone down the message they are feeding him that everyone is out to get him.

A worried daughter

Dear reader,

I am very sorry to hear there is conflict within your family. The reality of family dynamics is that not all of you will agree on how best to care for a parent, particularly when some do not live close by.

However, I do agree that convincing your Dad that everyone is out to get him is not the best way of protecting him, particularly when it comes to his mental health.

One way of improving the situation is to contact the care agency to see if there could be consistency in the staff visiting your Dad. If he got used to the same carer calling to his home every day, that would open up the possibility of him developing a bond with this person, who he could learn to trust.

It would also be constructive to call a meeting with your siblings, so you can articulate your concerns. Allow them to also share how they feel, which may be influenced by the fact they are not living near your Dad. This can make it hard for them to appreciate the value of your father enjoying a chat and a cuppa with whoever is calling to check in on him.

As regards a shotgun, I would strongly urge you to remind him of the laws surrounding firearms and of the consequences were he to use an unlicensed gun.

Of course, you also need to highlight the hurt and damage that could be caused were he to discharge a gun in any circumstances.