Dear Miriam,

I am only in my early 40s, but I feel completely stuck in a rut. I am living on a farm with my husband and our two young children. I also have a part-time job, but I feel like all I ever do is work; whether that’s in the office, at home or helping out on the farm.

Before we started our family, I was involved in the local musical society and I really loved it. But that was like a part-time job in itself coming up to the shows and once the kids came along, I just had to step back. I was also involved in a triathlon club, but again, that is something that you need to commit to.

It’s very important to me that my children have hobbies outside of school. But I don’t do anything for myself. I’ve tried the self-care stuff, like the baths and online yoga, but it just doesn’t do it for me.

I love my family and my home and my work and I am so lucky in so many ways. But I do feel that I have “lost” myself a little along the way and I’m not sure how to get back.

Rural mother

Miriam responds

Dear rural mother,

Thank you for your email. I’m sure that many readers will identify with this. I know what you mean when you say that you have “lost” yourself a little. But the truth is that person is still inside you. It’s just to make a bit of space to allow her to re-emerge again.

Life is obviously very busy and it is understandable why you had to step back from your hobbies. You mention that activities like the online yoga did not “do it” for you, so I wonder if what you are craving is the connection and social aspect of your old hobbies and, let’s face it, the craic. So, are there ways that you can bring a little bit of fun back into your life?

I’ve never been involved in a musical society, but I know from friends that the shows are time-consuming. But is there another way to be involved? For instance, if you can’t be on stage, could you be involved in a less intensive role, whether it’s helping with the staging or marketing or something as simple as volunteering to sell programmes/raffle tickets the week that the show is running? I know it’s probably not the same buzz as being part of the production, but it might be a nice way to reconnect with your hobby and when time allows again, to get more involved.

You mention triathlons as well. Was there one part of the triathlon that you really enjoyed? For instance, if it’s the running, would you consider taking part in parkrun, if you have one local to you? The 5k run/jog/walk usually takes place every Saturday morning at 9.30am and it’s something that your family can get involved in too (children under 11 must be within arm’s reach of a parent/guardian at all times). It’s not a big time commitment, but there is a great sense of community and camaraderie that you should find uplifting.

Or perhaps, you want to try something completely new? Taking a night class in a new language in your community college or joining your local Gaelic4Mothers and Others? Whatever it is, I think it’s really important to sit down and see where you can carve out a bit of time in your weekly schedule, just for you; even if it’s literally an hour or two. What will it take to make this happen?

Talk to your husband and look at your schedules to see how this can be accommodated. And while you’re at it, is there any room for the occasional date night, even once a month? Can a family member step in or can you get a babysitter?

I think the main thing is to realise that you do deserve a little bit of time for yourself and that everybody in the family will benefit as a result. I hope you find something that lights you up from within. Best of luck.