Dear Miriam,

In 1970 I was brought home to work on the family farm at 17, after a year in ag college. I was there for the next seven years, working 70 hours a week for £2 wages on the understanding I would inherit the farm. I come from a big family.

In 1973, I met a lovely girl through Macra. I was mad about her and we would go out dancing three nights a week. After four years, I wanted to get married and start a family, but was told by my father that there was no future for me at home, as he was bringing my eldest brother home to farm and I would have to get a job. That summer, I broke it off with my girlfriend and five months later she was engaged to a big farmer. I was devastated and still am. She was seeing him behind my back and I found it hard to trust anyone again.

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In 1992, I had savings and some inheritance money from the home farm, so I bought my own farm and later built a house. I was going out with a woman I thought I’d marry at the time. But I seen a different side to her when we went to a few weddings – drinking at the residence bar in hotels ’til eight in the morning. I do drink myself, but three or four pints would do me. I could see my farm being drank if I stayed with her. She had no interest in what I did and was only after a good time at my expense.

Since then, I have met separated women who have reared their families and widowed ladies looking for someone decent to have a loving relationship with. I don’t ‘whore’ around and never did. I respect women, but it is hard to meet a single lady of child-bearing age any more. I find my life very empty. I still go dancing two to three nights a week, but can’t meet any potential partners. I would love my own family as I feel very lonely in my lovely house and I want to have some family to inherit my farm.

I would like to meet a lady interested in farming who I could have a small family with, as my life is very empty and I want to utilise my house. I would welcome some advice on how I could change my life as I can’t continue this much more.

Leinster Reader

Dear Leinster Reader,

The first thing I’d say is credit to you for picking yourself up and buying your own farm and building your house after the disappointment of not inheriting the home place, as I’m sure it was not easy.

From your letter, however, it is obvious that this has become a rather lonely place and I can understand your desire to meet a partner to share it with. But I have to question whether it is realistic or fair to expect to find a woman of “child-bearing age” at this stage of your life, especially when you consider the practicalities of having a young family in later years, from health to financial concerns. It is also important to be frank about why you want children. You say you need to fill a gap in your life and “utilise” your house, but, to be honest, that comes across as self-centred rather than selfless, and I don’t think it would be the right thing for you, your potential partner and, most importantly, the children.

You say you have met several separated/widowed women with similar values, but these encounters have not developed. I think it is important to consider the reasons why this might be. For example, have you set unrealistic standards for a potential partner and, if the roles were reversed, would you meet those expectations yourself? Or if you were not so focused on looking for a younger partner, would you find what you really need with one of these ladies: companionship, common ground and, of course, love?

Obviously, the dance scene is very social, but you could also look at other professional agencies that help connect like-minded souls, e.g. the long-established Knock Marriage Bureau (094-9375960 or www.knockmarriageintroductions.com). It’s also worth saying that just because you don’t have your own children doesn’t mean you can’t have children in your life, e.g. with a partner who was widowed/separated with grown children/grandchildren of her own. You also mention you come from a big family – do you see your nieces and nephews regularly? Is it possible to re-connect?

I understand you have been hurt in the past and it can be hard to move on. However, a meaningful relationship is about two people – it’s not just a means to an end. Take that on board and you might just find the happiness you are looking for.