Dear Miriam,

I am living a rural life with a husband who turns the cold shoulder just because I don’t engage in sexual activities with him. We are both in our 60s and the last thing I want is sex. All I want is to be loved and cherished for what I am, not to be lashed out at because I don’t oblige.

I can’t see any way out of the situation. I’ve often thought of leaving but I’ve got nowhere to go. I cry buckets behind the scenes. I’m in pain.

I envy other couples who enjoy each other’s company, go places together and tuck in together when the day is over. That’s my way of thinking it should be at my age.

He constantly hurts my feelings and makes me feel abnormal. It’s no good talking to this arrogant man because he is right no matter what.

Hurt & lonely,

Co Mayo

Dear Hurt & Lonely,

Thank you for reaching out. The first thing I would like to say to you is that I have received many letters like yours in the past, so as lonely as you may feel, please trust you are not alone. And by taking the time to write this letter, you will help other readers realise that they are not the only ones going through this problem either. So thank you for that.

Speaking with sexual therapists in the past in relation to similar issues, I have learned that if there is no kindness, affection or fun outside the bedroom, it can’t just be “switched on” inside it. You say that your husband makes you feel “abnormal” about not wanting to engage in sexual activities, but to me it is completely understandable why you feel this way. After all, if you do not feel loved, cherished and respected in your day-to-day life, how are you suddenly supposed to feel this way once the lights go out? For your husband to make you feel otherwise, or that this is somehow your fault, is completely unacceptable and wrong.

You don’t say in your letter if this has been an issue for a long time in the marriage or if it is a more recent development. What is clear, however, is that we are not just talking about a snap in the physical connection between yourself and your husband, but also the emotional connection. Again, without that, how can there be intimacy of any sort?

The question is whether you feel it might be possible to regain that emotional connection if it was something that you did share in the past, but that got lost along the way. Of course, this would take “buy-in” from your husband as well. But if you think he would be open to the idea, I would strongly recommend seeing a relationship counsellor who could work through the issues between you and look at how you could both rebuild the relationship together.

ACCORD offers affordable relationship counselling in over 50 centres nationwide. You can find out more by visiting www.accord.ie or call the central office on 01-505-3112 for details of a centre near you.

However, if you feel that your husband would not be open to this, I strongly encourage you to see a counselling professional in your own right. It is clear that you have carried a lot of this pain on your own and that there has been a huge impact on your confidence and self-esteem. A counsellor could help you to work through these issues and also show you how to practice self-care so that you begin to love and value yourself again. This could be making time for the things that bring you joy, starting a simple mindfulness practice or spending more time with friends and family members who make you feel like the wonderful woman you are.

Once you start to realise your own worth, you will have much more clarity on what you want for yourself going forward in your life.

I wish you the best of luck and love for yourself to light your way. CL