Dear Miriam,

My husband died when my only child was six years old. She is now the same age as I was back then and has two girls, aged six and four. She has a great husband, a lovely home and a good life.

I only get to mind the children if my daughter and her husband go to a wedding or other such events as she is a stay-at-home mother.

My grandchildren love coming to Nana’s and we have lots of chats and play games. I would babysit them any time, day or night, but since they were born my daughter has turned on me.

She snaps at everything I say and is rude and has bad manners towards me. I have tried everything, even to the point of saying nothing.

She has now decided not to visit me nor open the door if I visit their house. She ignores my calls and texts and her husband has said he does not agree with her behaviour but goes along with it for a quiet life. She told him she has two lively children, where I only had the one to care for.

Could this be unresolved grief over the loss of her father? If so, what can I do to help her?

Any advice you or your readers may have would be greatly welcomed.

Regular reader,

Wexford

Dear regular reader,

I am very sorry to hear that your relationship with your daughter has broken down.

This is a very upsetting situation, especially when it means you don’t see your grandchildren as often as you would like.

While many years have passed since the death of your husband and her father, this could indeed be unresolved grief.

Is there an aunt or uncle on either side of the family who is close to your daughter, that would be able to mediate between the two of you?

However, I would encourage you to refrain from making any assumptions and instead try to maintain a respectful silence, until you can find a way through to your daughter.

Her husband seems to forget that in choosing a ‘quiet life’, he is overlooking the possibility that his wife may be suffering from a traumatic episode from her past, be it grief or otherwise, that needs to be addressed for the sake of the whole family.

Could you ask another relative to intervene on your behalf, to discover what the real issue is with your daughter? Is there an aunt or uncle on either side of the family who is close to your daughter, that would be able to mediate between the two of you, to try to learn the reasons behind her behaviour?

On reading your letter, I believe her attitude towards you goes beyond the daily grind of raising young children.

Alternatively, would your daughter be receptive to a letter where you could write down your concerns over her behaviour and express your hurt at not being allowed to help her with the children, which you can appreciate is very hard work?

The only way through this difficult time is communication, which I appreciate isn’t forthcoming from your daughter right now.

But if an independent third party were to try to broker a solution, it could open the door to a healthier relationship between mother and daughter.

I hope this is of some help to you and your family.