Dear Miriam,

This might sound like a silly problem, but I’d like your opinion. I really enjoy buying presents for people. I always put a lot of time and thought into finding something that they will really like.

I recently turned 40 and my best friend gave me a piece of jewellery that really is not me at all. She has never been great at gifts, but I thought she might make a bit of an effort for a significant birthday. It’s nothing to do with how much it cost or anything like that, it’s literally the lack of thought that went into it. I went to a lot of trouble for her birthday.

She is a good friend and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but I’m disappointed; not by the gift, but what it represents. My husband says I should just return the gift to the shop and get something I will wear instead. But that’s really not the point.

Disappointed Friend

Miriam responds

Dear Disappointed Friend,

I was once given a colander as a birthday present by a friend. Beat that!

Joking aside, I understand that you put a lot of time and thought into gifts and I feel that you see this as a reflection of your commitment to the friendship itself. It’s a nice quality. But some people are brilliant at picking gifts; others are plain hopeless. I’d be more interested in whether or not they were a good friend in every other way, rather than their gifting prowess. I’m sure your friend thought you would like the jewellery, even if it’s not your style. She certainly didn’t go out to buy you something you would not like. And given the current cost of living etc, for someone to go to the trouble of buying any gift at all is no joke.

Maybe to avoid future disappointments, next time you could suggest to your friend that instead of buying presents for each other, that you could use the money to go for a nice lunch or a day out that you will both enjoy. That way, you get to spend quality time together as friends, and there’s really no gift that can match that.

Reader Writes

Dear Miriam,

Both you and Frustrated Farmer’s Wife in the edition of 7 September portray the dairy farmer/husband as some kind of “workaholic” because of his reluctance to spend a week at the wedding of his niece (in-law) in Spain. I don’t agree. I would gladly pay a fare to stay at home in his situation, away from airports, foreign lodgings and foreign heat. Cop both yourselves on and stop nagging the man. If the man enjoys his work, then the man is not working, and every day is a holiday for him. The complaining woman has teenage children to enjoy the holiday with, and both woman and children would do well to realise how their lifestyle is earned.

Spain indeed! Are there no venues in Ireland? Not to mention the little matter of aviation fuel, water shortages in southern Spain and artificial man-made acceleration of global warming. Get real!

Sincerely,

Happy homebird

Miriam responds

Dear Happy Homebird,

Thank you for your letter. I am always interested in feedback, even if it is to tell me to “cop on”! However, I don’t agree it’s fair to say that to the original letter writer, who knows much more about her marriage and her needs than you or I ever will.

Of course, the intention was not to paint anybody as a “workaholic” or to “nag”, but to try and find an empathetic solution. I stick by my response, but you don’t have to agree with me.

One point though that I would like to add; you say that the “complaining woman” and her children “would do well to realise how their lifestyle is earned”, inferring that it’s all down to the farm/husband. It’s worth remembering that many farms are now two-income households. But even if not, I’m sure this woman does more than enough at home and on the farm to be entitled to enjoy a week’s holiday with her family next year. It just might be something to think about.

Thanks again for getting in touch,

Miriam