Dear Miriam,

A very good friend of mine asked if she could borrow €700 off me earlier in the summer. She did not specify what it was for, except that she was caught badly for it, and I did not want to pry out of respect for her privacy. I have a few bob in the Credit Union for a rainy day, so I was happy to help. As I say, she is a very good friend and I would hope that she would do the same for me if the shoe was on the other foot.

When I gave it to her, she was so appreciative and she said that she would have it back to me in a few weeks, but a few months have passed at this stage. I have not wanted to bring it up for fear of embarrassing her, but she has not mentioned it either. With Christmas around the corner and all the extra expense, I could do with it to be honest, though I would not want to put her under pressure either.

My husband, however, is adamant that I tackle the elephant in the room and has said that if I won’t ask, he will. That would be the last thing I would want, so obviously I need to broach the subject, but I’m not sure how to do it without embarrassing both of us.

What do you think Miriam?

Siobhan, Leinster

Dear Siobhan,

Thank you for your letter. I know that Shakespeare said “neither a borrower nor a lender be” and while it’s generally good advice, real life is not always so straight-forward.

You obviously trust this friend and feel that she would never take advantage of your good nature (though, unfortunately, this is not always the case), so there must be an underlying reason why she has been unable to pay the money back to date. However, that does not mean that you should remain in limbo. So – like so many things in life – resolving this will come down to clear but compassionate communication.

Maybe arrange to meet with your friend and let her know that while you respect her privacy, ask if there is anything she would like to share with you in terms of what is going on for her right now.

While there is a chance she might not want to talk about it, it is probably more likely that she will welcome the opportunity to open up to you.

I also think it’s fair to let her know that you do need to be repaid in the near to mid future, but that you can work around it, eg paying it back in instalments, or maybe supporting her to seek help from an agency like MABS (www.mabs.ie) if she has wider financial difficulties.

You are a very good friend but you have to take care of yourself too. I wish you both the best of luck.

A Reader Writes: I’m a very happy

“baggage carrier” too

Dear Miriam,

On reading the article in the 21 October issue (“I have baggage and I’m proud”) I would like to say that gentleman put a smile on my face.While I agree with everything he says, I must say that I also have baggage and am finally free of the manufacturer. I’m trying to get back into socialising on my own, but it’s not easy. On keeping an eye on dating ads, I noticed that a lot of men say “no baggage please” in their ads and this can be disheartening for those of us who are not ready (as he put it) to check out yet.

I was beginning to lose faith when a friend told me about social dancing classes locally. I love dancing and I’m a good dancer, but I went along anyway and, believe it or not, I met a lovely single gentleman who also loves dancing and he has no baggage. I told him on the first night that I had three wonderful young men in my life and he didn’t even blink. It didn’t matter to him. Needless to say, it restored my faith in men. We’ve met a few times since and I feel alive again.

To “Mr Checking In-Not Yet Checking Out”, you’re not alone and please don’t give up. Maybe we should start up a baggage carrier group! So, to all the singletons with baggage, don’t check out just yet. There is always hope.

Kind regards,

A very happy baggage carrier CL