I am on the verge of breaking up with my girlfriend because I have found out her family don’t approve of me and they are threatening to cut her off.

We’ve been together for three years and have recently bought our first house. I love her very much but I can’t come between her and her family. She is not Irish and comes from a culture where women aren’t seen as equals. I know her parents had tried to get her to agree to an arranged marriage before she came to Ireland, but I assumed by now she had told her family about me and how serious our relationship is.

It turns out her father has given her an ultimatum to either break up with me or they would disown her.

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She has admitted that she hasn’t told them about our new home or the fact that we plan to marry, because of how bad they reacted to the news she was dating someone not from her culture. I’m worried now that if she can lie to me about something this big, she could keep other things secret. I don’t think it’s a great basis for a relationship going forward.

The house clearly complicates things, but I don’t know what to do. I love her and had pictured a future with her, but I don’t see how it can work when her family are so opposed to me, especially if we have a family together where our children would never get to know their maternal grandparents.

– Noel, Co Cork

Dear reader,

I am sorry to read your letter as you sound like this recent discovery has thrown your world upside down. It is very upsetting to think that our partner has lied to us, but in your girlfriend’s defence, it seems she kept the truth from you to protect you.

You can only control your own reactions to this situation so I would focus on your feelings for your partner, independent of her parents’ refusal to consider you as her partner.

I would be clear that you are not asking her to make a choice between you and her family

For you to have bought your first home together suggests you do see a future with her, and that should not be compromised by cultural clashes with people who you have never met.

My advice would be to sit down with your girlfriend. Have an honest and open discussion on how hurt you are that she didn’t tell you the truth regarding her parents’ opposition to your relationship.

Give her the opportunity to explain her reasons for staying silent, and listen to what she says.

She has already withstood parental pressure by refusing to agree to an arranged marriage, so she has a whole history with her parents that you will never understand.

She needs your support, while at the same time, understanding that by being kept in the dark you are very hurt by the situation. You could work through this difficulty by agreeing to be open and honest in any dealings with her parents.

I would be clear that you are not asking her to make a choice between you and her family.

They are the ones to issue that ultimatum and all you can do is support her in the decision she has made, which is to buy a house and build a future with you.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie