Dear Miriam,
I am with my partner for nearly 10 years. We live together and get on very well. We have so much in common: same sense of humour, same taste in food, same type of personality. We’re both very outgoing. I love him very much. He’s a good man who is older than me, so is probably old-fashioned in ways.
He’d have opinions that certain jobs are “women’s jobs” like cleaning, ironing, cooking, shopping etc. I work full-time and so does he. He also farms and I give most of my spare time helping him.
The spark we had has dulled a bit and I have mentioned on numerous occasions about trying to get back what we had. He comes home now and all he is interested in is looking at his phone or reading the paper, him in his chair, I across the room in mine.
The problem is in the past few weeks, a man has shown interest in me. He invited me out for a drink. He is a nice man, good looking, a good job and has told me he would like to be in a relationship with me.
We have gotten to know each other through texting and I am considering meeting him, just for a coffee or drink, but my conscience is gnawing at me. I’m flattered by the attention and I even feel attractive in myself again. Would it be wrong to meet just for a coffee? I would appreciate your opinion on this.
Regular Reader
Miriam responds
Dear Regular Reader,
Thank you for your letter. I can understand why it might be tempting to meet this man for a coffee; he makes you feel “seen” in a way that perhaps you have not felt for a while. But knowing that this man is interested in a relationship, I don’t think it is really “just a coffee”. Your gut seems to be telling you that too. Think about how you might feel if it was the other way around and your partner was texting/thinking of meeting another woman who he knew was interested in pursuing something romantic with him.
I’m not saying this in a judgemental way; it is clear what has led you to the stage where you are considering meeting this man. But I think the wiser decision might be to assess whether or not you see a future in your current relationship before jumping into something new. In your letter, you say that you love your partner, that you have a lot in common etc; but there are definitely issues with regards his opinions on “women’s work”, as well as the fact that he hasn’t taken the hint when you’ve mentioned that you would like to get the spark back.
He might be more than happy with how things are (especially as the division of labour seems to be in his favour) and chances are, he thinks everything is fine. It might be time for a more honest conversation with him about how you feel. Would you be comfortable telling him that you don’t feel as valued by him as you once did? That you feel unseen and even unhappy at times?
What needs to change in order to feel more cherished in the relationship? Is it looking at how work is divided at home? Is it making an effort to do more fun/romantic things, eg a date night once a week or a weekend away? Or would you just like your partner to show/vocalise his appreciation, rather than taking things for granted? Is there a need for couples’ counselling if you need some extra support in figuring out some of these challenges?
Hopefully, he will realise there will have to be changes if the relationship is to survive. If not, I think you need to look at whether you see a fulfilling and happy future with your partner or not. But if that’s the case, I think it would be fairer to end one relationship before embarking on another; or even just spending a little time by yourself to figure out what you really want.
I wish you the best of luck.
I want to leave him; but where would I go?
‘My husband won’t leave the farm for a family wedding abroad’