I’m writing on behalf of my mother who is very upset at the way my siblings are treating her in recent months.

We lost Daddy three years ago and since then life has been very lonely for Mam, as the two of them were the best of friends and did everything together. She’s slowly getting to grips with life without him but has recently met a man who she was friendly with when she was a teenager and who she was very fond of.

I live next door to the family house and when she told me about him, I thought it was lovely that she had found a new friend. He is a widower who has recently returned to the area and they see each other at daily Mass, often going for a coffee after to catch up and reminisce on old times. He has recently invited her to the local tea dance which takes place every month, but my mother is reluctant to accept.

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The reason being my siblings have all told her it’s too soon after Daddy and she should give up on any idea of romance at her age. I’m raging with the lot of them. None of them live close and are all busy with their own families, so don’t visit as often as they could.

As far as I’m concerned, they have no right to tell her how to live her life but their criticism seems to have convinced her that she is being disloyal to Daddy.

Is there any way I can encourage her to enjoy this new friendship and to ignore the so-called advice from her adult children who can’t seem to see that getting back out there is exactly what she needs in order to be happy again. It’s as if they want her in a permanent state of mourning, which is so wrong.

– Denise,

Co Longford

Dear reader,

I am so glad your mother has you to confide in and reinforce the positives of this new friendship. It is unfortunate that her other children cannot see the potential of having someone there to care for their mother.

The loss of a parent is a huge trauma and there is no defined time limit on grief, so it may be that your siblings are at a very different stage in their journey to you, or indeed your mother.

It might be an idea to speak with them individually and explain, without judgement, how lonely life has been for your mother in recent years. It may also help to share your own feelings on this new relationship, and how relieved you are to see your mother smiling again, after the pain and loss she has suffered.

You could point out that this gentleman will never replace your father, but seems to genuinely make your mother happy. Who wouldn’t want that for their parent?

I would continue to encourage your mother to meet with this man, even if it is only for coffee and to nurture this new friendship, given the happiness you say it brings.

You could point out that this gentleman will never replace your father, but seems to genuinely make your mother happy

You could also remind her that despite their objections, she is not answerable to her children as to how she lives her life. And continuing her friendship with this new man does not mean she is forgetting or being disrespectful to the man she shared her life and raised a family with.

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