It’s summertime but, as Mr Fitzpatrick used to say to us in school, nobody told Ireland that.

Ever the optimists, we schedule our annual golf classic for May – sometimes we are rewarded with watery sunshine but generally you’re better off packing the raingear.

Meadow Valley Golf Club, eight miles out the road, is the venue and next week’s event is the first “proper” running of the classic since 2019.

As well-supported as it is, it often feels like it’s more trouble than it’s worth – not least because the winners’ legitimacy will be questioned if they’re not the “right” kind. An episode in the dispute between Noel Francis Murnane and Ollie Fitzgerald is an example of that.

“Noel F” is a minor celebrity in the area, running a handy-sized accountancy firm and stuck in everything that’s happening – or taking over such things, never afraid to expand his legend. One day, I asked Ginger Farrell if Noel F had ever played for the county and the reply was, “I’d be almost certain he didn’t – if he had, he’d have told us about it by now.”

A golfer all his life, Noel is a seven-handicapper who takes things too seriously and he can look down his nose on newcomers who don’t immediately pick up all of the customs of the game. Unfortunately, Ollie fell into the latter category, with enthusiasm sometimes over-riding decorum.

While his initial not-so-discreet queries about blatant cheating with a “magic pencil” were dismissed, his solicitor’s instinct spotted an opening with regard to Peter’s and Niall’s handicaps.

Soon after he joined the club, he was on the timesheet with Noel F one Saturday morning. As Noel stood over an important putt at the 18th, Ollie was whispering a bit too loudly to the third man in the group, Frank Logan

After his trademark yellow Srixon ball with the red stripe missed the target, Noel said icily, “Sorry for putting while you were talking, Ollie.”

Cold war

It set in motion a cold war that sometimes picked up in temperature, such as 2014, when Teddy Byrne’s Golf Society had an outing to Limerick, at a course Noel F had previously played, but that was new to Ollie.

The two were drawn together and when, at one hole, Ollie was about to tee off in the wrong direction, Noel said nothing until after contact had been made with the ball. “The hole’s actually that way, Ollie – but my word, what a strike!”

Generally, they stayed out of each other’s way but, when Ollie won that 2019 golf classic with Peter Sweetnam and Niall O’Donoghue, it was too much for Noel F – especially as his team had come second.

While his initial not-so-discreet queries about blatant cheating with a “magic pencil” were dismissed, his solicitor’s instinct spotted an opening with regard to Peter’s and Niall’s handicaps.

Integrity of the competition

The rule is that the top three prizes are open only to those with active handicaps through membership of a club and, while the pair had availed of low rates to join Ballinakeen Golf Club the previous year, Niall’s had expired a month previously.

Citing all manner of guff about the “integrity of the competition”, Noel F appealed to the committee and, as he was technically right, his team was promoted to first place (GPS golf watches were the prize and Noel already had two) while Ollie’s was relegated to fourth (three dozen yellow Srixon golf balls).

Revenge was concocted and executed in a devastating fashion. A month later was the Captain’s Prize and, while Ollie wasn’t playing in it, he was at the club bright and early on the Saturday morning “for a look”.

Hating slow play and slow players, Noel was in one of the first groups and, as he came to the 15th hole, he was going well. The 15th is a blind tee-shot over a ridge and, after Noel sent a perfect tee-shot over the hill, he was dreaming of more success.

However, when he got to the fairway he was left aghast – it was covered in yellow balls, all with a red line on them. With no way of knowing which ball was his, he was forced to tee off again and, his head fried, he put that one out of bounds.

The final few holes went equally badly and, making sure to meet him in the car park after, Ollie stuck the knife in. “A real pity about those extra balls, Noelie – but my word, what a strike!”