Agony Uncle: my daughter is lying all the time

Dear Enda,

I really don’t know what to do, my daughter just lies about everything. If I ask her something, like has she done her homework, she will tell me she has but won’t have done it.

What freaks me out is that she lies about things that she doesn’t need to lie about.

Yesterday I asked her if she had used up all the shampoo to let me know so that I could get some more on my way home from work. She told me there was loads left but when I got home there was none.

I’ve tried to ignore the lies and even her when it gets worse but then she starts to do things deliberately to annoy me. What can I do?

Emma

Dear Emma,

Did you know that teenagers lie to their mum in one out of eight interactions with her? It gets parents off their back and allows them establish their own lives. They can lie to avoid you prying too deeply into their lives, to get out of trouble or to do something that they know they are not allowed to.

However, from reading your letter, I can’t help but think that, in your case, your daughter is just looking for your attention.

Scientists did an experiment where a rat was trained to push a lever to get food. They then gave him two levers.

One had a mild electric shock and the other had no reaction at all. In every case, when looking for food and faced with two levers, the rat kept pressing the one where he got the shock. Better a bad reaction than no reaction at all.

You respond negatively or not at all. Therefore, in the absence of getting a good response, your daughter is going for the bad one

Look at how you respond when she lies? You respond negatively or not at all. Therefore, in the absence of getting a good response, your daughter is going for the bad one. What’s it like when she is not lying? As a working mum, you’re probably busy with other priorities.

So, change your response. See the lie for what it is – your daughter wanting to spend time with her mum. And what more could any mother want when her kids are at that age?

Check that you’ve enough shampoo yourself.

When you see her telling a lie, ignore it, distract the situation away from the lie and into spending quality time with her. Ask her to go shopping in the January sales with you. Ask her for advice as to how you could evolve your own sense of style.

You don’t have to buy what she chooses but at least have a bit of fun and try it on. You might be surprised.

Listen to what she believes in with interest. Ask her questions that get her talking

Tune into the woman she is becoming rather than your daughter. Respect her opinion and viewpoint.

Listen to what she believes in with interest. Ask her questions that get her talking. Don’t use the “in my day” argument. Your world 30 years ago is irrelevant to her world today. Open your ears and try to see her world through her eyes.

Don’t be afraid to say: “I don’t know.”

Show her what you do when you have a question that you can’t answer. How do you access your support network to protect your vulnerabilities?

She needs her mum to teach her what real women are like

This is what she is really looking for. She needs her mum to teach her what real women are like and to show her how to navigate her own way to adulthood. By doing so, you will build a bond between you that you could never have dreamed possible.

Enda Murphy is a cognitive behavioural therapist who focuses on supporting adults to support young people. For more details go to www.seeme.ie