Desperate Farmhusband: could they make a bolus for your spouse?

‘So it begins”: a quote (and famous meme) from King Theoden in the film adaptation of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

When he says this line, King Theoden is looking out from the top of his fortress at Helm’s Deep. It’s pouring rain and hordes of Uruk-hai (orcs) are rushing menacingly towards the walls.

I feel this quote is also appropriate for the beginning of calving season. Only, I’m not in Helm’s Deep – I’m in cow dung as I try to figure out how a cow who was supposed to calve in three weeks’ time catches me by surprise and has a little lady on the outdoor pad in the pouring rain. Luckily, I happened upon them soon after she gave birth.

This happens to me every year. It’s like Mother Nature is playing a practical joke on me. I mean, I was sure I was ready to go this year. The calf sheds were spotless, the straw was ready, calf buckets and equipment clean.

Alright, I might have parked two tractors in the way, and the calving camera hadn’t been turned on – but other than that I was on top of my game. The main thing is, it turned out alright in the end and everyone was ok.

At the time of writing, I’m just five calves in with a good 70 to go. I know other farms have more calved already, but let’s not get competitive.

So far, I’ve had one tragic incident involving a premature calf – she was born no bigger than our small dog and unfortunately didn’t last the night.

I also had a close call with another calf, who was born without incident but – for whatever reason – had her head curled into her body and was still encased in the birth sac. Her mother didn’t bother to get up and lick her clean, and the calf nearly suffocated with her head encased in the sac.

Luckily, my father was there – he was able to get her out of the sac and she was fine in no time. He told me this had happened to him before, but he wasn’t so lucky with the calf the first time.

It’s all about keeping a close eye on the herd, day and night. If you drop your guard or get lazy, disaster may strike. Unfortunately, this is a marathon and not a sprint. You need to get rest when you can, to stay sharp.

At the time of writing, I’m just five calves in with a good 70 to go. I know other farms have more calved already, but let’s not get competitive

Technology helps to reduce the burden – the cameras have been great. I can see everything from my phone, which means I can be away at times and still keep an eye on things.

It’s far from the technology my father had – when farm cameras first started out, the neighbours were able to pick up signals from their home televisions.

Once, a neighbour was browsing through the channels when he suddenly came across the calving camera from next door. In this case, the neighbour saw someone in the shed who shouldn’t have been there and alerted the farmer (it turned out to be his mother-in-law, so they went easy on her).

Another piece of technology I use on the farm is the electronic bolus which sits in a cow’s stomach. It records any changes in body temperature. Combine this with information like predicted calving dates and the app can alert your phone if the cow is about to calve. It’s not 100% accurate, but it gives you a heads up and, in my opinion, is better than nothing. It’s also great for checking on an animal’s general health and during breeding season.

You’d nearly wish they’d make one for humans.

I think it was the great Christopher Walken who once commented, “Wouldn’t it be great if we all had a tail like a dog”. He said you’d know right away if someone was angry, happy or sad. It could work the same with a bolus. No more being met at the door by herself in a bad humour because you took ages working outside. Just check the app before you go in and avoid the situation until her temperature is at a normal level.

Maybe something for those bolus folk to think about in time for next year’s Valentine’s Day, as farmers in general tend to be disappointing Valentines (why does it have to fall right in the middle of calving, I have to ask?).

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