Desperate Farmhusband: 'feed your cattle brewer’s spent grain they'll thank you'

Will someone tell whoever is up there to shut the tap off? The rain we’ve seen these past few weeks has been biblical.

While most of the country was out celebrating soccer triumphs over Portugal and Hungary, I was busy on the farm pumping water from one tank to another.

They’re still out on the grass, but the cows have been soaked to the bone as they come in for their milking – and they are extra-muddy, thanks to all the rain. It’s taking ages to clean them up before they’re fit to milk.

Like most of the women in my life, they aren’t too pleased with having to trudge through the muck in this weather. I try to sweeten them up by giving them a bit of extra meal in the parlour, but they still throw the odd well-aimed kick to let me know exactly how they are feeling. They are tired and ready for a rest. And at this stage of the year, so am I.

I’m going to start cutting back milkings to once a day before drying them off over the next few weeks. Sure we all deserve the break. I’ve been fairly moody myself, with the poor weather. I’m starting to wonder if I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) – my mood seems directly connected to the weather at all times.

At least, that’s what herself keeps telling me. I personally think it has more to do with being covered in crap and kicked asunder in the parlour while simply trying to do my job.

We got our weanlings in just in time, before the weather turned, and they were only too happy to get out of the field and into their cosy shed. We gave them a dose, did a bit of weighing and separated them into pens of maiden heifers, and the rest into larger or smaller weanlings.

A few of them were cranky because they were being separated from their friends – it’s funny how they have their own little social hierarchy. They are doing ok, weight-wise, though some are a bit on the lighter side for this time of year. But don’t worry, we have a master plan for bulking them up. We’re going to get them drunk.

Ok, not exactly drunk. But we’re starting to feed them the leftover mash from making beer and whiskey. I believe the technical term is ‘brewer’s spent grain’, but telling people we are feeding the weanlings beer has been much more entertaining. The cattle are absolutely loving this stuff.

We throw it into a giant mixer (known as a diet feeder – a poor name for a device that leads to weight gain) with our own silage. We basically use a few buckets of mash at a time. We let that mix for a while and then out comes this lovely, well-fermented concoction which – to my nostrils – smells kind of like a sweet cider.

I believe the technical term is ‘brewer’s spent grain’, but telling people we are feeding the weanlings beer has been much more entertaining. The cattle are absolutely loving this stuff

The weanlings can’t get enough of the stuff. One of these days I’m sure I’m going to come into the shed as they’re breaking out into a sing-song. Maybe their own rendition of Dirty Old Town: “I met a heifer by the old shed wall/dreamed a dream by the old spreader/I winked at a cow by the silage wall/dirty old cow/dirty old cow…”

I only hope they don’t start fights and get hangovers. They make enough of a mess when they’re sober.

The funniest thing I find about this whole situation is that feeding them the mash wasn’t even my idea – it was the old man’s. My father’s been a pioneer his whole life – I swear the man has all the pins; he could do some serious embroidery. But I suppose this might be a case of him finally seeing something useful from alcohol production – using its by-product to help fatten his animals.

It’s amazing when you think that 95% of their diet is made of feed that we humans cannot consume. If these by-products weren’t being used within agriculture, a good chunk of it would surely end up as waste. This stuff doesn’t just improve their ability to gain weight, it’s good for their overall health being chock-full of fibre and amino acids.

But maybe humans should be eating it, too. I realised this the other day, when I was topping my morning porridge with my wife’s usual array of ground flax and chia seed.

“What’s this other powder?” I asked her. “That’s an Irish product made from spent brewer’s grain,” she said. “It’s really high in fibre. I’ve been buying it for years. How are you only noticing now?”

Ever since, I’ve been adding a spoonful to my porridge each morning and my mood seems to be lifting. You know what they say – what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.