Dear Miriam,

My daughter-in-law and my daughter have had a falling out, which resulted in my daughter being excluded from a family event recently.

It all started last summer when my daughter-in-law said to my daughter that she thought she would help out more [with her children] as she has lots of time off during the summer months. They got into a heated debate and haven’t spoken since. She has not brought the grandchildren to my house as my daughter still lives with me. My son has sided with his wife.

Any advice would be greatly welcomed. Life is too short not to be getting on with family.

Regular reader

Dear Regular reader,

I’m sorry to hear that relations have been strained within the family. It’s very easy – and human – to get caught up in ‘who said what’. Caught up; and completely stuck.

I’m sure that both parties have their own version of events and what they feel is the truth of the matter. Perhaps one person is waiting for an apology, or vice versa. If so, they might find themselves waiting a long time.

Of course, there are instances where it is really difficult to make peace and move forward without a sincere apology. However, in this case, the stand-off seems to have been sparked by a difference in opinions/expectations, rather than any grave wrongdoing. I just wonder what that has achieved, at the end of the day? Has it been worth it for either party? Or, more importantly, what has been the impact on the children?

Something needs to change in order to move forward. Is it possible for you to play peacemaker? Or to have a quiet chat with your son to see if he could help to broker an agreement? If not, maybe there is a neutral family member who could help. This will mean acknowledging that there has been hurt on both sides; but crucially, not taking sides. Instead of indulging in a blame game, the focus needs to be on finding a solution. Putting the children’s needs at the heart of this might help.

Maybe it’s starting with a gathering, like a summer barbecue, on neutral ground, with other family members present, so there’s not too much pressure on either party? Maybe it’s progressing to short visits to the family home again? Or arranging for your daughter to spend some time with her nieces/nephews over the summer to reconnect?

Things might never be the same again, but with time, the relationship might be repaired to a certain functional level. I wish you all the best of luck.

Reader writes

Hi Miriam,

In relation to the recent letter (“How do I reject my mother-in-law’s hand-me-downs?”, published 8 June edition) the husband might explain to his mother about their excitement about shopping for and choosing their own “big” things for their baby. Indeed, she might have her own memories of the same.

But he can also outline an obvious truth; that a lot of equipment will be needed in her house for baby’s visits and, perhaps stays in the future, like the cot, pram etc, and it would be wonderful to have these things at hand without him or his wife having to cart them over and back. His mother will probably be delighted to see these treasured pieces occupied again by another beloved child.

Claire

Dear Claire,

As long as the equipment meets the grade safety wise, I think this is a very practical solution that should work for both parties, without upsetting any feelings. Thank you for getting in touch.

Miriam

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