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Dear Miriam,
Myself and my boyfriend got engaged quite recently.
It wasn’t a particularly romantic proposal, no ring or anything, but we had a lovely day out together picking that after. He said he wouldn’t really know what to get me.
I didn’t think too much more about that until Christmas.
I have never had a problem picking stuff out for him
He suggested that we pick and buy our own presents to save stressing out over what to get each other. Now Miriam, I have never had a problem picking stuff out for him. I would often see things I thought he would like and just get them, often without an occasion to merit them, and it’s only recently I realised that this is a wholly one-sided gesture.
With Valentine’s coming, I know that he won’t get me anything or organise anything romantic for us
On the Christmas thing, I said that he had often got me thoughtful presents and that I didn’t really want to lose that bit of romance of a gift. He confessed he always got his sister to buy my presents before. I felt a bit conned.
With Valentine’s coming, I know that he won’t get me anything or organise anything romantic for us. And now suddenly I am having second thoughts. This might seem selfish, but I don’t think I want a life devoid of romance and knowing full well that there will never be a thoughtful gesture from him to mark these occasions.
What do you think?
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
Thanks for your email. Actually, I don’t think you are being “selfish”. I don’t get the impression that you expect anything expensive or flashy from your boyfriend to mark Christmas or Valentine’s or any other special occasion. As the old adage goes, it’s the thought that actually counts; in every sense.
I would not really have a problem with your boyfriend getting a little help from his sister when choosing gifts; but outsourcing the task entirely is another matter!
It might not seem like a big deal to him, but again, this is not about the gift itself, but what it represents
And now, it seems that he doesn’t even want to do that. It might not seem like a big deal to him, but again, this is not about the gift itself, but what it represents in terms of how well he knows you and the value he places on maintaining an element of romance or surprise in the relationship. That could be as simple as bringing home your favourite bar of chocolate when he goes to the shop. It doesn’t have to be a wildly extravagant gesture. It’s just a simple thing that shows he knows you and what you like or what might make you smile.
It’s important to explain why these gestures actually are important to you, even if not for him
Having just got engaged, it’s a shame that you feel you may be looking at a “life devoid of romance”. And if you are having second thoughts, I think you need to have a discussion with him about your hopes for your marriage and life together. It’s important to explain why these gestures actually are important to you, even if not for him. While it does not have to be champagne and roses, you both have to make an effort to keep the fun in the relationship. Because if that slips, what’s next to go?
Hopefully he will hear what you are really saying; but if not, I think you need to ask yourself if this is something that will continue to fester, and if so, where that might lead. And is that what you really want?
I wish you the best of luck.
A reader writes
Dear Miriam,
I read with interest your problem page each week and the good advice you give.
However, surely the mother-in-law in this case (edition 22 January) must know who she is and must feel very hurt that pen has been put to paper, very publicly. It is not the first time I have noticed a letter like this, which surely identifies the person or family concerned.
It is just an observation and I am in no way critical of you and your sound advice. If that lady could turn a deaf ear to the comments, in time, the mother-in-law might get the message.
Keep up your good work,
Eileen
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