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Dear Miriam
I am a 36-year-old single lady from the west of Ireland. Life was good until earlier this year when I became involved romantically with a guy at work. He is married with children. Despite being careful and taking the pill each day, I became pregnant. He did not want to know and threatened to deny being the father were I to go public with our news.
Needless to say, the affair ended and I decided to have a termination. Initially, I felt sad but relieved. Our little baby would have been due in early November and since then I have been feeling really sad, angry, depressed, guilty and lonely. I cannot shake these feelings off and am finding it an effort to get up, go to work, carry on as usual. When I am out for a walk or in the shops, it seems there are happy couples with little babies everywhere. I feel like I am being punished for my actions. Please help me find my way out of this black pit.
Thank You. “H”.
Dear “H”
Thank you for contacting me. I want you to know that I have read your letter with compassion, not judgement. It would seem to me that what you are currently experiencing is disenfranchised grief. It is also known as forbidden grief, a grief that has to be hidden from society due to the nature of the losses being experienced.
Grief is difficult at any time, but when we feel denied the normal supports, i.e. family and friends, it can feel extremely lonely and isolating. There is also a tendency to judge one self harshly. My first piece of advice to you is forgive yourself for not being perfect. When our behaviour is not as we would like it to be, there is usually an underlying cause, some emotional wound that is in need of healing.
We cannot change the past, only learn from it. What emotional wounds may have led you to seeking comfort and support from someone who was not freely available to you? What led to your decision to terminate your pregnancy? Ask yourself these questions with love and compassion. You are human after all.
What led to your decision to terminate your pregnancy? Ask yourself these questions with love and compassion. You are human after all.
Next, I would encourage you to seek professional help as you try to make sense of your life right now and process your grief. Counselling offers you a safe, non-judgmental and confidential space where you can discuss everything. Your counsellor will guide and support you as you seek to make positive changes and work through the pain and loss. We must grieve in order to heal.
Suppressing your grief now will simply lead to further complications later in life when you are faced with loss once more. Grief waits. It is important to honour it and to validate it. You do not need the approval of society to do this. Having to deal with the due date must have been quite painful. It is normal to be hypersensitive right now to couples and their children, all the more reason to seek professional support.
Meanwhile, it may help you to write a letter to your baby and pour out your sorrow and your love. You can, if it helps, give it a name that can be either male or female. What would it be like to plant a little rose bush or tree in the baby’s memory? Try keeping a daily journal for a while. There are many ways to quietly connect with your loved one.
Whilst entering a relationship with a married man is not the most ideal way to find someone, it happened for a reason. He obviously has his own issues to deal with too. Again, it may help you to talk about him in the safe and confidential space of the therapy room.
I hope you find peace and that 2024 will be a happier and kinder one for you.
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