Peace on Earth, and around the dinner table

The TV remote is caught up in a tug-of-war, the living room is strewn with wrapping paper and half-opened presents, and an ‘adult discussion’ (argument) is taking place in the kitchen over the turkey’s cooking time. Your partner has had one too many, your niece is glued to her device, and her brother is protesting that he’s bored.

The quick game of Scrabble that was supposed to bring everyone together somehow re-ignited a family feud – and all to the cheerful backdrop of Michael Bublé’s Holly Jolly Christmas.

Bringing everyone together under one roof is what makes Christmas special, but that’s not to say it doesn’t also come with its challenges.

Dr Vincent McDarby, chartered member of the Psychological Society of Ireland and principal clinical psychologist and head of psychology at Children’s Health Ireland, Crumlin has advice on keeping the peace during the festive season.

“The first thing is you need to set realistic expectations,” says Vincent. “Recognise that no family is perfect. Minor disagreements are natural, particularly when you have people coming back under the one roof who haven’t lived together since they were young.”

Everyone together also means that we can slip into childhood patterns of behaviour, Vincent explains.

“Try not to fall into those same roles that you held when you were 13.”

Vincent recommends keeping Christmas Day in context – it’s one day out of 365 – but he recognises this can be hard to do with so much anticipation.

“We need to acknowledge the fact that it’s one day, but there’s a lot of forces and factors pushing the other direction saying that this is a really important day.”

“Now Christmas starts on 1 November. We’re all heading towards this one day,” Vincent explains. “Like, where are you going to be on Christmas Day? Who is cooking dinner? What are you eating? We’re two months getting ready for it.”

Acknowledging this can help people understand why emotions are heightened at Christmas.

“Small little mistakes that we laugh about on any other day of the year become major things on Christmas Day,” says Vincent.

“If I burn the potatoes tonight, I’m not going to be upset. If I burnt them on Christmas Day, I’d be very upset. It’s important to understand why we have such an emotional reaction when things don’t go according to plan on that day.”

“It can be a stressful period, and we need to acknowledge that. If you’ve got a house full of people who are more stressed, it’s a bit of a pressure cooker.

“All it takes is one spark and all of a sudden, everyone is at each other’s throats.”

Top tips

Plan ahead: “The more you can plan ahead, the more you reduce the stress,” advises Vincent. “It’s important to establish ground rules and to encourage respect for opinions, traditions and personal space. Sometimes we might need to agree to stay clear of contentious topics, like politics or religion.”

Listen: “When we’re arguing with other people, we tend not to listen to what they’re saying. We’re just thinking about our next comeback,” says Vincent.

If an argument occurs, make an effort to understand the other person’s viewpoint without interrupting them.

Be mindful of alcohol consumption: “Alcohol lowers inhibitions, and it exacerbates conflicts,” Vincent explains. “We all like a drink at Christmas, but just be mindful of it.”

Engage in shared activities: Vincent says that group activities encourage a bond, and he suggests playing board games or watching movies together, something that gives a sense of inclusion, family and tradition.

Manage stress: “When you’re feeling overwhelmed, the best thing you can do is take yourself out of the situation, if possible,” Vincent says. “Allow yourself to calm down before you bring yourself back. If you can’t take yourself away physically from the situation, start to think about something else, try to take yourself away.”

Managing children: “Children’s brains are very different to adults’ brains because they’re not yet fully developed,” explains Vincent. “Research suggests the brain doesn’t fully develop until about age 24 or 25.”

“One of the biggest differences in terms of children’s brains is the frontal lobe is much less developed. That’s the part of the brain that regulates emotions, so they go from 0 to 100 very quickly.

“There are certain situations under which children become more deregulated and more likely to get upset, for example, disruption to their sleep and dietary pattern – which we typically see at Christmas. So they’re much more likely to have a meltdown and get upset.”

If children become over-regulated, Vincent recommends taking them to another room to calm down. “Allow them to take time out, and I don’t mean from a punishment point of view. Just get them calm and grounded.”

Look out for older adults

Vincent advises being mindful of older adults who may not have the same level of physical resources and as a result, find the festivities tiring.

“Some might be too polite to say I’m exhausted, so we need to be mindful of that and watch out for them,” says Vincent.

He also suggests making an extra effort to honour bygone traditions that matter to older adults.

“We bring in new traditions, but sometimes older adults have traditions around Christmas that emotionally mean a lot to them. It could be about certain foods or how we open presents.

There are certain situations under which children become more deregulated and more likely to get upset

“Sometimes we move on or forget about them because we feel they’re not important, but be mindful of that and ask them what traditions they want included on Christmas Day.”

Vicent also advises watching out for older people who are alone over Christmas.

“Rural isolation is a big thing, especially during Christmas. Maybe family aren’t around, maybe they’ve passed away, maybe children are living abroad. This time of year can make the loneliness particularly intense.”

Vincent recommends inviting adults on their own for Christmas dinner, calling in with them, or getting them involved in some way.

Having an extra adult at the table can also improve the family dynamic. “It might mean we’re better behaved,” Vincent jokes.

“There’s a degree of performance there. When it’s just family, we let everything out. When there’s somebody external to our own family, we want to present ourselves better.”

Community focus

Finally, taking part in a community initiative can be a positive way to frame the day before everyone sits down for dinner, Vincent says.

“One thing that we’ve seen is a shift across the country where the church used to be the focus. Most people went to Mass for Christmas Day and chatted, and there was a big sense of community.

“Now there are less people going to church but what you’re starting to see is more community-based activities,” says Vincent.

“People still want to come together and connect. In certain areas they’ll do a swim, others do a run, others do a walk, or they’ll do something for the kids, so you’re seeing more of these community events, which are really good. It resets everyone and then it’s back for the dinner.”