Dear Miriam,

I have two girls under five. While they want for nothing, I try my best not to “spoil” them.

When I was young, you got your presents from Santa and something for your birthday and that was about it.

But I can still remember the hours of fun I had with my one or two Barbies, etc. Simple times.

These days, children have so much. To be honest, I find it almost obscene. All that plastic and the waste when they play with something for five minutes before moving on to the next thing.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned but it just doesn’t sit right with me.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you a bit of context before explaining my issue. My husband has a sister who is single and has no children. She is mad about my two; but she spoils them rotten. She lives in Dublin, but visits home regularly. Of course, every time she calls, she comes armed with a new toy for each of them.

At the moment, she is bringing those LOL dolls.

Bits and pieces

Besides the fact that these are not toys that I would choose for my own children, they come with all these bits and pieces, so there is stuff all over the house. Who is left picking up the pieces? You guessed it.

On top of this, my girls nearly have an expectation that everybody who visits our home now should bring toys. I don’t want them to grow up with that sense of entitlement. Otherwise, they’ll be in for a rude awakening.

I don’t want to seem ungrateful and I know that all the gifts are coming from a good place. I’ve asked my husband to have a word, but he hates any sort of confrontation. I don’t want a confrontation either, Miriam but this can’t go on.

I would appreciate any tips you might have to help solve this issue.

Rural Mam

Dear Rural Mam,

Thank you for your email. I can see why this feels tricky. As you acknowledge, the gifts are coming from a “good place.” It’s not as if your sister-in-law is trying to clear her house of “hand-me-downs.” In fact, these toys must cost her a lot of money and time in terms of choosing them, etc.

However, the issues that you describe are real: the waste, the sense of entitlement. Something needs to change. And I believe this can be achieved without bruising too many feelings.

Maybe before your sister-in-law’s next visit, you (or your husband!) could drop her a message or give her a call to say how much the kids are looking forward to seeing her; but that there is no need to bring anything to the house, bar herself.

Joke

You don’t have to go into all the reasons why (e.g. the waste). You could just make a joke about having enough toys to open up your own shop, or explain that you are trying to declutter/teach the girls about donating some of their toys to children who are less fortunate. Hopefully, she gets the message.

If she still comes with toys, you could intercept her at the door and ask if she would mind putting them aside instead for their next birthday, Christmas, etc. Again, no need to go into all the reasons why. Keep it light, and acknowledge her generosity but underline the message that her presence is the best present that the girls could wish for.

Another approach might be to change the focus of the visits for a while. Instead of coming to the house, maybe it’s meeting at the local park or playground or beach?

She can still buy the kids an ice cream, if she wants to treat them; but the focus is on having fun and spending time together, not on “stuff.”

I hope this is helpful and wish you the best of luck.

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