Dear Miriam: his mother wants us to get married in the Church

Dear Miriam,

I recently got engaged to my long-term boyfriend. We’re hoping to have the wedding next Christmas when things will be a bit looser with guest numbers, all going well.

I’m finding the wedding prep in general grand, but we’ve hit a bump in the road. Neither of us are religious in any way, so we decided together we wouldn’t get married in a church and we would have a humanist ceremony in a hotel instead.

To be fair, my own parents are religious and they hummed and hawed a bit about it but in the end they accepted our decision

We were at a few of these ceremonies and we both thought they were really nice in terms of being able to tailor it to the couple with poems and all the rest.

However, this has now become an issue because his mother is kicking up a fuss about us not getting married in the church. To be fair, my own parents are religious and they hummed and hawed a bit about it but in the end they accepted our decision.

Now he’s backpedalling and saying can we not just get married in the church, it’s the same thing and it’ll cause a lot less hassle.

I can kind of see his point of view Miriam, but at the end of the day I don’t want to concede on this. Firstly, because I would feel like a hypocrite, it’s not something he or I believe in. Secondly, I actually wanted to have a much smaller wedding abroad.

However, his grandmother wouldn’t be able to travel, so I totally accepted that couldn’t happen. Then guest numbers started to creep up with having it at home, but again, that comes with the territory.

Will I give in and get married in a church or stick to my guns on my humanist ceremony?

Now though, I feel like this wedding will be nothing at all like what I wanted. I feel like it’s not even my wedding any more. I’ll just be putting on a pretty dress and doing what everyone else says.

What do you think I should do, Miriam? Will I give in and get married in a church or stick to my guns on my humanist ceremony?

Bad Bride

Dear Bad Bride,

Thank you very much for getting in touch and congratulations on your engagement. Firstly, I would like to point out that you definitely are not a “Bad Bride”, being a bride with particular preferences does not make you “bad”.

I do think it boils down to the fact you should do what you want to do as a couple

It is great that you can see the issue from both sides and that you are making an effort to understand where your fiancée is coming from. However, I do think it boils down to the fact you should do what you want to do as a couple.

It is often said in this column but I will keep saying it – as it is the best advice – have a conversation with him. Explain to him calmly your side of things as you have done in your letter to me. Tell him that while you know it might make for a quiet life, you would like to hang on to this element of your wedding you decided on together.

I do very much understand it is important to get on with your in-laws, but I also think it is important to be authentically yourself. I don’t know if you have spoken to his mother about this but if you haven’t then I think it might help.

I would very nicely say that you respect religious beliefs totally, but you wouldn’t feel right getting married when you don’t believe in something

It might be daunting, but clearing the air with your future mother in-law might be just what the doctor ordered. I would very nicely say that you respect religious beliefs totally, but you wouldn’t feel right getting married when you don’t believe in something.

I think it would help to explain a little bit about what a humanist ceremony is and ask her to get involved by reading a poem or something. Try to make her feel needed is basically what I’m saying. I do think if a humanist ceremony is what you and your fiancée want, you can get around this with a bit of tact.

You have compromised already, I would hold firm on this.

Wishing you all the best in marriage,

Miriam

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