Question: My father moved into my home last August before I went for surgery and now he won’t go home.

My mother – who was in residential care at the time – left it up to me as to whether he could stay, despite the fact that it was her house. She passed away last autumn and my father thinks it is his right to live there, despite them being legally separated.

Not only have I had to contend with my father pushing his way into my home, I am also grieving for my late mother. I feel like my world has fallen apart in such a short space of time.

I was extremely close to her and I always called her a two- in-one parent, because she played the role of both parents from my point of view.

My other siblings don’t want my father living with them either – they say that they live too far away and have children and therefore, no space in their homes.

I appreciate that I am very fortunate to have my own home. I know several people my age have had the opposite issue and have to move back home with their parents.

I have been to hell and back in the past seven months with the level of bossiness I have had to endure from siblings on top of an uncooperative father.

Counselling

I wish I was never born into my family. My mother, my rock and number one person is now gone and I feel angry being left with them for family.

I have tried counselling and addressed all of the above subjects but it hasn’t worked for me. Can you please offer me any words of wisdom?

– Distressed daughter

Dear reader,

My deepest sympathies on the death of your mother, whose passing has understandably caused you a lot of distress. The loss of a parent is one of the biggest traumas we will ever experience in life and it will take time and possibly another attempt at counselling to bring you through this very difficult period.

The Irish Hospice Foundation, hospicefoundation.ie, has very helpful advice for adults grieving the loss of a parent and could be a good starting point for you as you navigate the next steps.

Finding the right counsellor, regardless of our issues, can be a trial-and-error process. But connecting with the right person, with whom you can build a relationship based on trust, is the key to working through your grief.

You will find a full list of accredited counsellors at iacp.ie, while the Psychological Society of Ireland is also a good resource, psychologicalsociety.ie.

Relationship

Your relationship with your siblings was always going to be tested following the death of your mother, but their lack of support needs to be called out.

Ask your father what his plans are, now that you have recovered from your surgery. Point out that the issue was never discussed and him moving in was not a long-term arrangement. If possible, seek a family meeting and ask an extended family member to be present so it doesn’t descend into a shouting match.

Tensions are still high for everyone following your loss, which will have affected you all in different ways. But you need to prioritise self-care, both mental and physical, to ensure you stay well.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie