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Last week, our youngest daughter asked if she could move back home so that she could try to save up for a mortgage. For the last few years, she has been working in Dublin and sharing an apartment with a friend. That girl is now moving in with her boyfriend, and my daughter does not fancy starting over with a stranger. Her job allows her to work remotely three days a week, so she wants to try living at home (we live about 90 minutes’ drive from Dublin) to save up, commuting on the days that she has to be in the office.
I know that this makes sense in many ways. We get on very well and it will be nice to have one of the kids back with us again. However, I have to confess that I do have one or two reservations.
I have gotten used to the bit of freedom that comes with being an “empty nester” - if I don’t feel like cooking a big dinner, my husband and myself will head out for a bite to eat. For the first time in years, I also have some time for my own hobbies and interests. I go to Pilates once a week and also joined a choir. I don’t want to go back into the “mammy-ing” of having to feed? three people again, taking on extra washing etc.
Also, I know my daughter wants to save and I would never expect her to pay the kind of rent that she was shelling out in Dublin, but with the cost of living, our expenses are going to rise with another person in the house.
Does this seem selfish to you? I’m sure there will be many mothers and fathers reading this who have children in Australia etc and would love to have them back at home. I suppose my question is how do we work this out to avoid any trouble down the line?
Mary, Leinster
Thanks for getting in touch. I don’t think you are selfish at all. I think “sensible” might be the word you are actually looking for!
As nice as it will be to have your daughter home in many ways, I think you are right to consider how this will change the dynamics of the household. The benefits for her are obvious; but there is nothing wrong with thinking about your own boundaries to make sure that the arrangement works just as well for yourself and your husband.
I’m adamant that you should not revert to the “mammy-ing” role in terms of looking after your daughter’s daily living needs. As an adult, she is well used to cooking for herself, doing her own washing etc and that needs to continue. Alternatively, though, you could discuss sharing these roles so that it actually benefits both of you, to take turns making the dinner, for example. That might even create more free time for your hobbies.
Ultimately, this is about both parties respecting each other and the shared space
Regarding rent and living expenses, I do think that it is imperative that your daughter does contribute. This is something that needs to be worked out in advance between yourselves. I will add though, that if she is contributing financially, it is important to give her a bit of freedom too in terms of the use of the house e.g. having her friends over to visit, and not to treat her as a teenager.
I would recommend sitting down with your daughter and explaining that while you are looking forward to having her home, that you appreciate it will be a big change for her after living independently, and that it will be the same for yourself and her father.
Ask her if she has anything she would like to discuss in advance and share your thoughts too. Try to come up with the solutions together. You could also set a date down the line to review how things are working eg after three or six months, so that you are both agreed and aware that this will be an evolving discussion. It might be no harm either to discuss how long she expects to stay altogether so that the long-term plan is clear.
Ultimately, this is about both parties respecting each other and the shared space. I wish all three of you the best of luck.
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