Dear Miriam,

I am married to a dairy farmer and I also work full time myself. We have three children all in primary school so, as you can imagine, life is very full-on with extra-curricular activities etc.

While my husband is good at helping out at home when he can, a lot of the housework has fallen on my lap. I really started to find it overwhelming towards the end of last year. I just could not seem to get on top of things. A friend told me that I was mad to be trying to do it all and that I should get a cleaner in to help.

I spoke to my husband and he was supportive of this decision. We decided that we would split the cost between us. I now have a lovely lady coming in once a week and it has been nothing short of life-changing. Even to get the bathrooms and the kitchen surfaces and floor done, it has been such a help. I feel like I can actually breathe in my own home for the first time in ages.

However, my mother-in-law got wind of this and, of course, the snarky comments started. “Well, isn’t it fine for some?” “We had no cleaners back in our day”. That may have been the case, but she wasn’t working outside the home. I’m not taking away from the important work she did inside the home and on the farm as well, but honestly you’d swear I was this Lady Muck sitting at home drinking tea and reading a magazine while the cleaner hoovers the floor around my feet.

Hardly a visit goes by to our house now without some sort of comment passed about the cleaner. My husband tells me to take no notice, but it’s fine for him. I feel like the criticism is completely aimed in my direction.

I’ve bitten my tongue to date, but I’m going to snap at her one of these days. Do you think that I am overreacting?

Frustrated farmer’s wife

Miriam responds

Dear Frustrated farmer’s wife,

Thank you for your email. First of all, I think it is great that you realised that it’s simply not possible to “do it all” and that yourself and your husband have agreed to make this investment for yourselves and for your home. I can even feel the relief in your words as I read. So, you know that you have made the right decision for yourself and for your family, and you can feel very confident in that.

As for your mother-in-law? Look, perhaps there is a little bit of bitterness or jealously at the root of these comments. More than likely, this sort of help was probably not an option for her when her own children were small. Of course, she should not be guilt-tripping you over it. But it might take the sting out of it if you think about where this is really coming from. Like most things in life, it’s not really about you, but about the other person.

That does not mean that it’s not annoying. How to deal with it? Sometimes I find that a tongue-in-cheek response can do the job, ie responding to the next sharp comment with an answer like, “Ah sure you know me, I’m a regular lady of leisure”, and laugh it off. Try not to let it get to you. It’s not worth the time or the energy.

Alternatively, seeing as it is your husband’s mother, after all, you could ask him to have a word and make it clear that it was just as much his decision as yours and that there is little point in going on about it any longer.

Hopefully she will get the message or, who knows, she might even follow your lead and get some help at home herself! Take care.

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