In response to the recent letter from a young mother struggling with her in-laws, we have received another heartfelt response from a reader who has personal experience of this issue. Her advice is excellent and I hope that anybody in this situation can take courage from her story.

Dear Miriam,

In response to “I’m lonely and feel frozen out by my in-laws” – I too am a victim of a mother-in-law and ended up suicidal with depression.

I won’t go into detail about my situation as it would fill a book, but when you are newly married, move to the country, have a new baby, you know no one and your husband works 24/7 on the farm, you feel so alone and isolated. Your closest neighbour is probably your mother-in-law, but she won’t let you in (to her heart) because you have taken her beloved son that she had under her thumb until you came along.

The first step in dealing with this is to open up. I thankfully opened up to my GP when I was suicidal as a result of this woman’s emotional torment. To everyone out there, a problem shared is truly a problem halved.

Open up to your parents, siblings or a close friend or relative you can trust. It’s difficult dealing with mental abuse on your own. You start to doubt yourself as a person, but talking with someone who knows and loves you can reassure you that it’s not you – it’s her!

The second step is to keep your distance. She thinks she can have the whip hand over you if she knows you need her. Be independent by not asking her to mind the kids. Either mind them yourself and give up working on the farm or get a childminder. Are there local farmers with teenage daughters willing to babysit on a Saturday night so that you and your husband can meet with his friends who might have girlfriends/partners you could get to know?

Local mum/baby groups are great to meet other women in your area. Are there neighbours on your road you don’t know? Go walking with your baby every day – if you see someone in their garden, stop, introduce yourself and chat. Invite them to your house one morning/evening for a coffee. This worked for me.

Third step, and probably the hardest one, is to accept her ways, abnormal as they are, especially if it’s not in your nature to treat others this way. Don’t let the hurt you feel get to you. You, your husband and baby are now your own new family unit. Live your lives without trying to depend on this woman because she is upsetting your inner peace, which will reflect back into your family unit and cause tensions there.

Don’t let her problem with you become your problem. Don’t let her into your head as I did mine – you could end up on a downward spiral and only end up hurting yourself. Trust me, she isn’t worth that. Withdraw from her because sometimes the more you give, the more that is taken and expected of you, but it will never be enough – even if you turn inside out and upside down, in her mind you will never be good enough.

But find peace in your own heart that it’s not your problem anymore. Don’t put yourself in a position to be hurt by her and accept she will never be the friend you want her to be. This is her loss.

I’ve grown to accept after 13 years that my mother-in-law will never accept me. I have no emotional attachment to her anymore. I chat away to her with small talk and bite my tongue for the sake of my husband and children. She still hurts me to the core with her hateful tongue, but I don’t dwell on it anymore. Her problem with me is her problem, not mine. Accept that you are not at fault here.

Focus on the love of your husband and baby – what’s in between your four walls is all that matters at the end of the day. So many women suffer silently at the terrible emotional stress inflicted from their in-laws – you are not alone.

I have survived this, you can too. Open yourself up to your new area. The world is your oyster.