Dear Miriam,

I am writing to you as I had a health scare recently and spent some time in hospital. I came out and was doing fine. I answered my front door one morning to greet my sister, who came home to look after me.

She gets up each day at 10.30am, spends the day watching TV and on the telephone. I had to put up with this for three months. Would you, Miriam, recommend this kind of care to an older man who always liked a quiet life?

Thank you, Miriam. I look forward to your readers’ comments.

Regular Reader

Dear Regular Reader,

Thank you for your letter. First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your recent health scare, but it is great to hear that you are on the mend again.

I’m not quite sure if your sister has left or is still with you, but just to start, I’m going to assume that she had the best of intentions in coming home to look after you.

I think that we all get used to our own way of doing things in our own homes, especially if we live alone, and it can be quite challenging to get used to another person entering our personal space.

It can be especially difficult if that person is a close family member, as they might assume certain “liberties” that an outsider would not; for instance, treating a place like their own home, especially if they grew up there themselves as children.

It seems that this is what happened in your case, and it obviously caused you stress you could have done without.

That said, as irritating as some of this behaviour may have been to you, it probably was of benefit to have your sister in the house in the early weeks of your recovery, just in case anything had gone wrong or if you had taken an unexpected turn. And while I understand how annoying it must have been for you at times, she might have found it just as challenging to put her life on hold for three months, even though I know it was of her own volition.

So in one way, it’s great to report that the only major difficulties encountered in recent weeks concerned the TV and the telephone, rather than anything more serious.

Of course, I don’t mean to be glib. I think it is very important to respect people’s boundaries, and I think your sister should have consulted you as to your wishes before she arrived at the door.

Perhaps you could also have agreed some basic house rules for the duration of her visit so that you each had your own space.

Perhaps another care solution, like home help, could have been explored if you felt that you really needed peace and quiet during your convalescence while still having a point of contact.

As I said at the start, I’m not sure from your letter if your sister has left or if she is still with you. If it is the latter, perhaps consult with your doctor to see if he/she feels that you are ready to go back to living alone and talk to your sister about going back to the way things were before.

Perhaps the most diplomatic way of doing this is to thank her for her time, but explain that you think it is best for both of you to resume independent living once again. If you find it hard to do this yourself, perhaps your GP could help broach the subject, or another family member or friend.

You ask for other readers’ inputs, so if anybody would like to get in touch to share their experiences of being cared for by a family member or caring for a family member, I would appreciate any advice too.

I wish you continued success with your recovery and that you continue to enjoy good health and independence for many more years to come. All the best. CL