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Dear Miriam,
I don’t know what to do about my husband. He has us all worried sick, myself especially. He’s not taking the coronavirus seriously at all, we’re in the older age category, and it’s causing war at home. I’m at my wits’ end and I’ve no doubt my family is too.
Two of our sons are farming. Even though they’ve asked him countless times, their father just won’t stay away from the farm.
One son is farming part time and is off work due to the lockdown. He told me everything is under control
I know it’s a busy time with calving and lambing but the lads are well organised. They’ve tried to appease him by saying if they get sick he’ll have to run the farm, but he wants to be there all the time.
One son is farming part time and is off work due to the lockdown. He told me everything is under control. He lives about 10 miles away and thought the full lockdown would keep his father away, but low and behold he turned up Saturday regardless.
It doesn’t bear thinking about, but I can’t stop thinking about it at the same time
That led to a huge argument between the two of them, as he told his father to stay away in no uncertain terms. That has me more worried now because what if they don’t patch things up? It doesn’t bear thinking about, but I can’t stop thinking about it at the same time. I feel sorry for the boys. They have enough to worry about.
All our children have appealed to him to just stick it out for a few weeks like everyone else. But he’s just getting thick with everyone saying, it’s his land and he wants to be on it.
Not being able to see all the grandchildren is tough on both of us too
I think inside he’s struggling with the thought of not being able to farm or being perceived as lazy if he’s not out working.
Not being able to see all the grandchildren is tough on both of us too. While I understand why we can’t see them, he doesn’t. He just laughs it off and wants meet them anyway, which is just winding up our children and their partners. What can I do?
Connacht Reader
Dear Connacht Reader,
Habits of a lifetime are hard broken, that’s for sure. Even aside from the coronavirus outbreak exasperating the situation, the parent-offspring power pull is well known among farming families.
Normally, a little bit of inclusion and valuing the older generation’s experience does the trick. But these are abnormal circumstances, and you and your sons are right, your husband must stay at home. However, that is easier said than done, and easier said than conveyed to your husband.
I think the best way to go about this with your husband is to get him to understand why it is important that he stays at home
Firstly, although your son is trying to protect his father, arguing is unhelpful. Try and get him to understand the reasons behind his father’s actions, so they can resolve things. I think the best way to go about this with your husband is to get him to understand why it is important that he stays at home. You are probably best placed to do this.
He not only has a responsibility to himself, but his family
Sit down with him. A good way to tackle it is by giving him responsibility. Even if he is not afraid of contracting the virus, if he gets it, you’ll get it. Does he want that?
He not only has a responsibility to himself, but his family. Explain to him that by going out he is putting his loved ones at risk.
Once you have this done, the next step is finding work at home.
Substitute this with work at home. Make a list of all the jobs on the long finger and start getting through them
Your husband has been working his whole life on the farm, and you are correct, he probably has some ingrained sense that he has to be in the yard. Substitute this with work at home. Make a list of all the jobs on the long finger and start getting through them.
Of course, encourage him to do all the other recommended things during lockdown, like taking daily exercise etc. Also, make sure to video call your grandkids.
It is very important you look after yourself too
And most importantly, remember this is temporary. It will pass. I notice you are worrying a lot about your family, which is totally understandable. It is very important you look after yourself too. Try and get some self-care in this week, whether that is reading a book, watching a movie or going for a bath.
Wishing you all the best,
Miriam
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