Dear Miriam,

I have a friend who likes the finer things in life. Just reading that line back myself, it probably sounds like I’m being very judgemental. I don’t mean it like that.

I just mean that she likes posh restaurants, fancy holidays, designer clothes, that sort of thing. She has a good job and her husband is well off. She does not have to think twice about money but she is also very kind and generous.

My situation is a bit different. I’m currently caring for my mother, so my own means are fairly limited. My husband farms and while we are not going to starve anytime soon, we are not rolling in it either.

Here’s the issue.

Whenever we meet, my friend usually suggests a very nice – and expensive – restaurant and I don’t have that kind of money. But nine times out of 10, my friend will grab the bill before I even have a chance to get near it. When I try to object, she says that she wants to treat me as she knows I work hard caring for my mother.

I know that she means well and that she is coming from a good place. But it makes me feel like a bit of a charity case. I love our catch-ups, but I absolutely dread the arrival of the bill. It’s meant that the last few times that she has tried to meet up, I’ve actually ended up putting her off.

I don’t want to lose her friendship; I just wish that I felt a bit more equal.

Mary, Cork

Dear Mary,

Thank you for your letter. I’m sure that your friend sees all that you do for your mother. This is probably just her way of showing her solidarity with and support for you.

She is obviously in a privileged position financially, and she feels that treating you to the odd lunch or dinner is money well spent. Carers need to be cared for too. I’m sure that the last thing she sees you as is a “charity case."

That said, of course I can understand why you are a bit uncomfortable.

She is obviously in a privileged position financially, and she feels that treating you to the odd lunch or dinner is money well spent.

We all like to feel equal in our relationships. Also, I’m sure that opportunities to get out and meet a friend are few and far between when you are busy caring. You just want to be able to kick back and relax; not sweating over what might happen when the bill arrives.

Maybe instead of putting your friend off though, you could take the initiative to suggest another type of meet-up. I’m sure that you could have just as good a catch up over a cup of coffee and a slice of cake, or a walk – the possibilities are endless.

That’s not to say that you can’t ever go to lunch or dinner again. But maybe those treats could be saved for special occasions, like a birthday.

Why not drop her a text asking her to meet, making one of these suggestions? If she does try to revert to the fancy lunch or dinner, you could say that while you appreciate her generosity, that you are conscious that you can’t repay the favour and that something more casual would help you to unwind.

At the end of the day, it’s time spent together that counts. Take care of yourself.

Reader writes

I agree with your advice to the mother of the daughter who says she won’t go to college.

I’m writing as a teacher and a parent. While I really enjoy my job as a primary school teacher, I can’t say that I would recommend it as a career.

Teaching is becoming more challenging all the time and I would be cautious about embarking on the college course if I had doubts.

Hairdressing can offer many benefits as a career that teaching cannot – flexibility, travel opportunities and self-employment.

Your advice is wise; allow this young girl to make her own decision. If she is offered a place to study teaching, she will be able to accept it in a year’s time, should she decide that hairdressing is not for her after all.

Best of luck,

A Wexford reader