Ask Miriam: 'My friend has put me in an awkward situation'

Dear Miriam,

You probably get a lot of serious letters and emails, but still, I hope that you can help me. I seem to have found myself in the middle of a rather awkward situation; even though it actually has nothing at all to do with me!

Let me explain.

My friend’s husband has a job interview coming up in an agri-business where my husband also happens to work. She has asked if my husband could “put in a good word” for him before the interview.

While my husband would be middle management and does hold some sway in there, he does not know enough about my friend’s husband in a professional sense in order to “vouch” for him.

He is worried that if he did help him to get the job and that if things did not work out subsequently, that this would reflect badly on him and on his judgement. He would much rather stay out of it completely.

He doesn’t even want this man to mention that they know each other through their wives in the interview, in case it influences the decision. To be honest, I can understand where he is coming from.

I have tried to explain all of this to my friend as tactfully as possible, i.e. saying that these matters are managed by the human resources department, and that my husband has nothing to do with the hiring process.

But she keeps pushing this notion of him “having a word." I’m almost avoiding her at this stage, as it’s just becoming so awkward.

What is the best way for me to handle this situation? I would appreciate any advice that you could offer.

Stressed Wife, Leinster

Dear Stressed Wife,

Thank you for your email. I agree: this is a tricky one. Though it’s interesting that you have found yourself playing middle man/woman here.

You’d wonder why your friend’s husband could not contact your husband directly if he really is so desperate for a “good word."

It does not exactly bode well, does it?

At the end of the day though, it’s really not fair that you have been put in this situation: most of all, by your own friend.

Re-reading your email, I feel that you have already tried to address the issue as sensitively as possible. Yet, your friend persists in pushing the matter. You have already made your – or rather, your husband’s – boundaries very clear. She really needs to start respecting them.

By all means, wish your friend’s husband the very best of luck in his interview. But he has to get that job on his own merits

Remind yourself that this is nothing personal. It’s just your husband being professional. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I was going to make a suggestion that to cushion the blow, maybe your husband might be willing to meet this man to answer some questions he might have about the company before his interview.

It would not be an endorsement, but it might just pacify your pal somewhat.

But that is probably the people-pleaser in me speaking! Old habits die hard; even for us agony aunts.

At the end of the day, you really don’t owe anyone anything in this situation. You asked your husband the question, you got the answer, you explained the situation…and that should be the end of the matter. This is not your problem at all. Hold your line.

You can still be friendly, but firm.

Still, it might be no harm either to steer clear of this couple for a few weeks for your own sanity. By all means, wish your friend’s husband the very best of luck in his interview. But he has to get that job on his own merits.

I hope this advice is helpful to you. Thanks again for getting in touch.

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