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Dear Miriam,
I am married to a sports-mad dairy farmer and we have two beautiful, healthy children: a girl (12) and a boy (10). Our daughter is mad for farming, but our son prefers reading, science, technology etc. I’m not from a farming background, so I’ve never expected the children to follow a pre-destined path in life, as my parents always encouraged us to pursue our own passions. But I can see that my husband is disappointed that our son has little to no interest in farming or sports; and I’m afraid that he is getting to an age where he will start picking up on that too.
Of course, my husband loves both of his children but I don’t see him making much of an effort to connect with our son. For example, he recently won a prize in school for a science project, which was a huge deal for him. Besides a cursory pat on the back, however, my husband showed little interest in this achievement. If it was something to do with farming or football, I doubt that would be the case. I think he finds it easier to connect with our daughter, as she likes the same things, and that is lovely to see. But again, that comes back to his own interests.
I can understand that it was his expectation that our son would follow in his footsteps, and maybe he is grieving that. I don’t want to give him a hard time or make him feel inadequate. Like I said, I know that he loves his children, he works hard for our family etc. But I feel that he needs to start making more of an effort now that our son is coming to an age where he will start noticing these things; if he hasn’t already. What do you think?
Concerned Mother
I don’t doubt that your husband loves his children. And from what you say in your letter, he does not seem to be forcing your son to take more of an interest in the farm, or pushing him towards playing sports. So, there does seem to be a kind of acceptance there, which is a start
Dear Concerned Mother,
I think it is quite common for parents to hope that their children might follow in their footsteps. I suppose that is especially the case in farming, but it probably goes for many other family businesses too e.g. law, accountancy, hospitality etc.
If the child has that interest, that’s great. Indeed, it seems that your daughter has the passion for the family farm and hopefully, she will be supported if that is the path she ultimately wants to pursue. But as you recognise yourself, your son’s interests are just as valid and need to be nurtured too.
I don’t doubt that your husband loves his children. And from what you say in your letter, he does not seem to be forcing your son to take more of an interest in the farm, or pushing him towards playing sports. So, there does seem to be a kind of acceptance there, which is a start.
But I do agree: as a father, he needs to make more of an effort to connect with his son at this tender age. It is not the child’s job to fight for the attention of the adult. Parents need to parent. Children need to be encouraged.
It strikes me, though, that there is so much science involved in agriculture today, that surely that is common ground to start with? Perhaps there is a piece of technology that your husband is considering for the farm, which he could use to kickstart the conversation with your son? But of course, it needs to go beyond the farm gate. This is not rocket science. It’s really simple things, such as your husband taking the time to ask your son about his next school project or going to the library together to check out a new book. I know you say that you don’t want to make your husband feel, “inadequate”, so you could gently encourage him instead by explaining that your son could really benefit from this one-on-one time. Indeed, they both could.
But this might also be a good opportunity to think about things that the whole family would enjoy doing together; whether it’s getting out on a walk/cycle at the weekend, or a trip to the cinema. These are the things that memories are made of.
As parents, we are always learning and when we know better, we can do better. I wish your family the very best.
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